IDK --- its all just a thought. I do know I'm not a narcissist. But, I'm willing to look into BPD.
A trained professional would consider all possibilities--co-dependence, anxiety, bpd, narcissism--and recommend a course of treatment to get your headspace as healthy as the rest of you. You have so many strong, positive traits that come across in your posts. I am so rooting for you. If a friend's dog had a broken leg, I suspect you'd prefer them to call a veterinarian rather than read up and attempt to treat it themselves. Even if they once saw a bad veterinarian who misdiagnosed something or took advantage of them. Anyway, whether you do or do not seek a professional, we're here for you and will be cheering you on.
Because I've been in counseling before --- decades ago. It was with the father of S19... then individual. I am not the narcissist.
I've also worked closely with S19 and a counselor from the time my son was 2 1/2yr old. I underwent screening and testing when my son was around 5 as did his father. I was not the parent with the disorder. While I was intervening on my son's behalf I waited until he was 5 for a formal diagnosis - he is on the spectrum. I've dealt with counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists for nearly 2 decades.
I am not a narcissist - does that help LH???
I'm willing to concede that I have some BPD traits but lacking in some big ones as well and will continue to look into that. I do admit that I have an anxious attachment style and maybe that's all this is wrapped up in one big rebound!!!
I sent him a screen shot of the petition for dissolution. Then told him I had some housekeeping items to go over and I would not be staying up late tonight.
He texted back asking about numbers but then asked that he call me instead.
He said to give him a few as his hands were busy at the moment. Then he sends a picture of his forge in action... Oh, okay... thanks for sharing??
He calls about an hour later.
I tell him the atty has everything she needs and that we did a thorough job with documentation. However, since he wants to buy me out of his pension we have to have an accountant figure all that out. I told him it would run about $700ish... he balked briefly and then suddenly said "do you want me to pay for half?".... I bout dropped the phone. This is the man that terrorized me for having an atty when he had one for free... WOW.
I had to let him know that this acct may be needing information from him and I would let him know. STBXH was completely agreeable. Let him know that its the busy season for all accts and this could take 6-8 weeks. He was fine with that. Since he sent the pic I asked about the forge and what he was making. Then asked for a quick update on the puppy's tail. I immediately wrapped up the call by recapping that I just wanted him to have a copy of the dissolution and update on the pension progress.
STBXH said "thank- you"..... this is a 180. This is the 3rd thank you I've gotten in 2 weeks from him.
I sit there and think... we are being so kind to one another. It feels nice. I sit there and think that we really could have saved this M if he would want too... we both have let go of anger and have each healed a little.
But... LH, I know. He is being kind and friendly because he sees his end game at hand... I filed for D... that's what he wants. He still has OW and they are making plans to be with one another.
Trying to hold my head high and keep moving forward and NOT having a setback.
I've had several months to heal and reflect on what happened in our M.
He was exhausted - working 12hr days with 2+hr commute time 7days a week. He was sleep deprived and stressed.
He comes home at 7:15am (his night)... I'm groggy as I'm not a morning person. I'm just trying to get up and get my arse out the door to work at 7:45am.
I come home anywhere from 6pm to 7:30pm depending on my shift. I try to get dinner going and get him up at 7pm... I'm awake now and I want to talk about my day but he's groggy and trying to wake up and feels I'm bombarding him with questions... he's out the door on his way to work at 8pm.
He's angry. He's stressed. He gets short with me.
I take it personally. I withdraw. I pull away. I isolate. I end up pouring all my energy elsewhere.
He feels rejected (his love language is physical touch). His rejection fuels his anger which causes me to withdraw more to the point where he questions why he's killing himself with this work schedule and commute. He can't kill the job but he can kill the commute... he leaves.
I have the tools to understand what triggered my fears that led to withdrawing and what triggered his shame causing him to react with such anger. I see now that if I had understood my fear and let it alert to me as a sign he was triggered as well I could make the conscious act to not withdraw but instead act with compassion for where he was coming from.
I understand all he wanted from me was unconditional respect --- and I see so many things I did that were disrepectful. I had it in me all along to stop things from escalating. If I had just given him the respect he really did deserve I might have gotten his on going love that I so desperately sought. But, I was so hurt by all his anger - never recognizing it was just deep hidden pain.
I can't go back and change the past. I can only learn from it. He's moved on. He's found his happiness elsewhere so I'm trying --- though not to well to move on too.
So, yeah no.... no written apology from me. I've said to him everything I need to or can. He's on his own path. And, frankly I'm happy if he's happy... even if it isn't with me.
Did he come to you and say “you know KK I apologize for being short with you I’ve been really stressed out because of work and the commute. I noticed you have been pulling away from me and focusing on other things. Can we talk about this when you have some time?”
Something is not adding up. Pulling away IMO while passive aggressive, is not disrespectful in itself.
When you get to acceptance in the stages of grief you will move on. If you’re truly happy he’s happy (which I question) then let him go, stop the manipulation, stop the dating and just live your life.
Did he come to you and say “you know KK I apologize for being short with you I’ve been really stressed out because of work and the commute. I noticed you have been pulling away from me and focusing on other things. Can we talk about this when you have some time?”
Something is not adding up. Pulling away IMO while passive aggressive, is not disrespectful in itself.
When you get to acceptance in the stages of grief you will move on. If you’re truly happy he’s happy (which I question) then let him go, stop the manipulation, stop the dating and just live your life.
My H would come to put his arms around me and I would walk away... when your H's love language is physical touch that sting of rejection is doubly compounded. I didn't realize I was "rejecting" him. I was withdrawn and having isolated myself from his anger and not feeling good about myself... I did not feel worthy of his arms around me. That made him angry and lash out more which just became a vicious cycle... a horrible repeated cycle.
Rather than fixing it - he just got off.
I did not see it for what it was until it was too late.
Isn't dating just living my life --- letting go of STBXH and exploring the world and not focusing on my D or where my STBXH is?
Dating is not just living your life. Dating right now is detrimental to you. You anxiously attach and obsess over men. Especially ones you sleep with. You are not honest with yourself and intentions while dating. You are making it not very fun and “living your life” you so much much work to do before dating can be something healthy and enjoyable to you.
And I don’t know if you are aware..... there is a pandemic going on out there. Be careful on how many people and who you swap spit with . It’s no longer an innocent first date kiss. It’s almost kind of like having unprotected sex.
Stick to your hobbies, stick to your platonic friends, and maybe , just maybe, get some therapy
