Is this a bad thing, that I want to do the arrangements for the divorce, this way I have the feeling to have more control?
There is nothing wrong or bad about controlling what you can control.
One knows when they are ready for divorce. It is only a piece of paper, a split of assets, the business side of the equation. It’s good to take control of your side to ensure your financial security and mental/emotional health.
That paper, that agreement, does not control your heart. You can stand while divorced. And you’re right, one quits standing in a certain way, and stands more for their own values and self.
I also live in a place where the divorce laws are straightforward. That is the default, the law stated 50/50 split, the alimony based upon salaries, the custody of children. However, most rights and assets can be negotiated and waived if the parties agree. My XW for example demanded that I have sole custody of the children, keep the house, cars, and assets, and my full pension; she took a lump sum payment. I was actually against all of that, like Gerda said, trying to do right by my marriage vows and beliefs.
However, I did listen to those here, and my lawyer, and my good friends and family. I agreed to her separation agreement. I knew it was a really good deal, but I didn’t want it. Keep your emotions out of the business at hand. You can and will grieve later.
A tip on negotiating, listen to what H is proposing. Let H feel like it is his idea. MLCers are mixed up and confused. They will flip flop on arrangements all the time. If the arrangement comes from them, or they feel like it has come from them, it has a better chance of sticking than if it comes from you. Consider whatever H may propose; you’d be surprised at what some people are willing to throw away as they run off to their fantasy. And as odd as those proposals seem to you and us rational folks, agreeing to their demands grease the wheels. My separation was complete in 60 days after BD. Of course I had a high energy vanishing runner on my hands. I wonder when she will tire.
Your uncle’s story is interesting and sad. It seems he may have finally tired himself out and is winding down from running. It’s very sad, one cannot run from themselves. Wow, 18 years.
Stay strong girl.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You can and will grieve later.
