DnJ: many thanks for your advice. Below I have answered some of your advices.
Gerda: thank you so much for answering my thread. This means a lot to me. In regards to the chart you noted…at least 15 of the 18 points on the list I unfortunately can highlight as well.
The thing is…I also took an important decision myself. I stood by his side for 2 years and I always told myself I would stand if I saw improvement and if the lying would stop, which he did for about 10 months. But since I know OW2 is involved and the lying and spewing started all over again something knacked inside of me.
I too want a divorce now. I want to pick up live again, and be happy with my children. I don’t want him to drag us anymore into his miserable life.
As I read many times, it is not because you are divorced, you quite standing in a certain way. I do want to stand, and when he ever comes to his senses, I want to be there for him, depending off course how long the process takes and how I moved on. But at least I will be free from the blaming, spewing, controlling because once divorced he cannot control me anymore. Everything will be split.
Is this a bad thing, that I want to do the arrangements for the divorce, this way I have the feeling to have more control?
I have a lot of luck to live in a country where the rights of couples who want to divorce are very straightforward for people who don’t have a marital contract which we don’t. All the belongings we have is joint so everything has to be split in half, no question about that. This is the law. So he can’t take huge amounts of money from the joint accounts without my agreement. This counts of course from both sides. Since months he is not taking any money anymore since he has his salary which is paid in the other country. (which is also half mine once we divorce)
Also, since I arranged al the financials in the past all the household bills are in my name.
I have sent him an e-mail this morning, this for the last time. I have clearly mentioned I too want this and I want this to happen in a clean way, without fights, blaming etc. That he must do this for the children and for the past 17 years of good marriage (minus 2 which I didn’t mention…). I also mentioned that as of now for the day to day things he needs to contact our children himself, not through me anymore. He immediately made a WhatsApp group with him and our 3 boys which is a good thing and apparently understood the message…question is….for how long.
I will now dim as per your advice DnJ. As long as I don’t have a lot of contact with him I’m doing just fine. Luckily he lives far away which is in my opinion a good thing now.
I also would like to share something else with all of you. MLC also happened to my H's uncle many years ago. He had OW1, then OW2 which he married. He let his his ex. wife and his two children go through hell. Didn't want to pay anything for them (but had to following court law), He dropped his whole family, including parents, children, brothers, sisters etc. Last Sunday, after 18 years, he stood in front of an empty appartment, his mothers', not knowing she just moved into a retirement home, so he called his brother to know where she was and he visited her. He also got in touch with his 2 daughters yesterday and stated he will divorce OW2. So after 18 years he finally woke up...
My H knows about this since his mother shared all of this in the family WhatsApp. I wonder if that would do something to him since he always mentioned in good days he would never act like his uncle did and in the bad days he threatened to act the same...
