[Rita]

((Eagle)))

You are in a terrified panic that I know very well, having been in the same panic many times -- and still getting it every time I see a message from H or his lawyer or the court. I know how to wrestle with it now but it's not easy.

Just remember, H already did all the things you are scared of. Now you are just walking through the ashes of a fire he already set. You lived through the fire, and you got out of the burning house safely. H is still in there, fiddling as Rome burns.

He can threaten many things, but he can't do many of them. He has to get a judge to agree with the things he wants to make happen. And you'll never be able to figure out why he does/says what he does/says so don't even try!

And you don't have to do anything that he asks if you think it's wrong.

And you sure as heck don't have to figure out anything about a divorce! It's his divorce! But you do have to protect yourself and your kids and your share of the moolah. You do have to be true to the good values that you had and have. You do have to fight the temptation to be confused when he tries to confuse you and you do have to fight against despair or bitterness.

Separate all finances and protect your share. No emotion, no worrying about what he will think of you, just take your half wherever you can and protect whatever you can. There is a reason everyone here says that over and over. I am living proof. I didn't want to do anything that seemed divorce-ish so I left everything joint. And now everything is on my shoulders, everything is a court battle, an IRS battle, a bank battle, a child support battle. Because I thought I was respecting the marriage by not protecting me and my kids financially. You respect the marriage precisely by protecting all that you built as part of that marriage.

I know what DnJ is saying, and I agree with it all but I do also believe that your H does want to keep controlling you. He will keep looking for ways to do it, and if he perceives he is not controlling you, it will make him crazy. But it will also make him crazy when he does feel that he is controlling you, so just put it all out of your mind and try to focus on controlling yourself! : ) Also doing everything you can with all your best gifts/powers and then letting God control the rest.

Women who survive abuse are scared all the time and half the time we don't know why. We frantically call our friends, our lawyers, we frantically post here. And everyone tells us to detach or move on or whatever, and no one seems to understand that we are so scared we can't think straight.

A long time back I finally called the domestic violence center in my city. At that meeting, I couldn't stop crying and I kept saying, "I don't know why I am so scared. He never hit me." They gave me this chart about abuse to help me understand why I was so scared. I wrote down each thing he had done that was on that list. I'll paste it here. It doesn't even address the adultery we all experienced. Maybe you'll recognize something from my list in your own sitch and it will help you understand why your response gets visceral.

1. Threatening to leave her
2. Making her afraid
3. Putting her down
4. Taking her money
5. Making her feel bad about herself
6. Calling her names
7. Making her think she’s crazy
8. Playing mind games
9. Humiliating her
10. Making her feel guilty
11. Treating her like a servant
12. Making her feel guilty about the children
13. Using the children to relay messages
14. Threatening to take the children away
15. Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously
16. Saying the abuse didn’t happen
17. Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior
18. Saying she caused abusive behavior