I've had several months to heal and reflect on what happened in our M.
He was exhausted - working 12hr days with 2+hr commute time 7days a week. He was sleep deprived and stressed.
He comes home at 7:15am (his night)... I'm groggy as I'm not a morning person. I'm just trying to get up and get my arse out the door to work at 7:45am.
I come home anywhere from 6pm to 7:30pm depending on my shift. I try to get dinner going and get him up at 7pm... I'm awake now and I want to talk about my day but he's groggy and trying to wake up and feels I'm bombarding him with questions... he's out the door on his way to work at 8pm.
He's angry. He's stressed. He gets short with me.
I take it personally. I withdraw. I pull away. I isolate. I end up pouring all my energy elsewhere.
He feels rejected (his love language is physical touch). His rejection fuels his anger which causes me to withdraw more to the point where he questions why he's killing himself with this work schedule and commute. He can't kill the job but he can kill the commute... he leaves.
I have the tools to understand what triggered my fears that led to withdrawing and what triggered his shame causing him to react with such anger. I see now that if I had understood my fear and let it alert to me as a sign he was triggered as well I could make the conscious act to not withdraw but instead act with compassion for where he was coming from.
I understand all he wanted from me was unconditional respect --- and I see so many things I did that were disrepectful. I had it in me all along to stop things from escalating. If I had just given him the respect he really did deserve I might have gotten his on going love that I so desperately sought. But, I was so hurt by all his anger - never recognizing it was just deep hidden pain.
I can't go back and change the past. I can only learn from it. He's moved on. He's found his happiness elsewhere so I'm trying --- though not to well to move on too.
So, yeah no.... no written apology from me. I've said to him everything I need to or can. He's on his own path. And, frankly I'm happy if he's happy... even if it isn't with me.
