[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

I’m sorry for the turn your situation has taken. (((Hugs)))

I'm devasted, what is going on? Is this because he feels he is losing control over me?

Nope. It’s going on because he feels he is losing control over himself.

His behaviour has nothing to do with you. As you stated - He completely lost it.

I immediately took my distance and said that we would go forward with the divorce now if that is what he wanted. That is has been two years now and if OW2 was involved we could not proceed like that anymore.

Good for you distancing yourself from him. Keep that up.

... he said he would leave me alone for a bit now to progress everything and to give me some time to start arranging the divorce.

Of course he did.

He wants you to do the divorce. For you to be the bad guy.

Nope. Let him do the heavy lifting. Let him own his divorce.

He hung up the phone and send me several messages now that this is not the normal way of doing, that we need to talk about everything together, that he will contact a lawyer now and this lawyer will contact me about expenses of joint accounts, mutual consent before certain expenses may be made, custody arrangement, alimony,...

When they are riding their high from running and dropping the bomb, they do feel rather in control and powerful. His assertion that “this is not the normal way of doing things” is rather telling.

He has obviously looked somewhat into divorce, and only in the basic concepts and how it positively affects himself. You know, his fantasy good ideas that he thinks will come from it.

The smugness of a MLCer is interesting as well. Suddenly they are wise and experts in divorce and relationships and such. Lol

And, as predictable as ever, as soon as things don’t go his way - threaten. MLCer’s will use, and misuse, the legal system to their own full advantage.

I have not answered to these messages and immediately changed all my passwords, took statements of our bank accounts. What else do I need to do?

First, breathe.

No one ever got divorced in a day. It takes time. You got some breathing room.

Next. Good on you for changing the passwords and getting your bank statements. There is also no need to answer H’s messages. He didn’t really ask anything. He is only looking for a fight to further his justifications. He stated that he going to speak through his lawyer. Ok, let him.

Where to go from here:

Ensure you financial security and protection.

Speak to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Learn what can be negotiated and what cannot. Ask any questions you have. You are just gathering information and planning a strategy at this point. Treat this as a business deal gone bad.

Do not tell H anything of what you learn from your lawyer. You do not share your playbook with the other side.

Remove half of the funds from all joint accounts and deposit into your own account. Speak with L about this first. And keep good clear records of everything.

That can be its own statement - keep good records.

Ensure all the household bills are in your’s or both names.

Get your own credit card. Remove yourself from the joint one. That probably cannot happen, since it is joint. Pay off the joint card and then cancel it. H can get his own credit card(s) in his own name. (However, in some locales the individual’s debts are still considered martial. Find out from the L what you are responsible for and what you aren’t.)

Keep breathing. Stay calm. (Post - it helps. Lots of good caring people with much hard earned wisdom around here.)

With the business side being looked into, do your work on the emotional side.

I am figuring you are not wanting a divorce. Not pushing for a divorce. That’s good. Keep standing. Stand for you.

Go dark or dim with H.

GAL. Live. Enjoy.

No more cake eating for H! (There is OW2 in the picture.)

Give H plenty of space and time.

Focus on you and your kids.

The path of the LBS is two parts - business and emotions/beliefs. Do not make decisions on either one based upon emotions; use reason, logic, and your values.

Realize you are the most important person in this equation. All the advice is for you, and your health and well-being.

You are doing fine. Keep moving forward.

D