Hello my sweet Sage, There's not much here to be said that hasn't already been said. I only have a few things to add.
First and foremost being you are not responsible for how another person feels about you or themselves. Your H's words and actions speak volumes about who he is and say nothing about who you are. MLC or not that's a universal truth and you know this. It is not your job to make H feel better, do better, be better, or whatever else he's trying to dump on you as your responsibility. Only he is responsible for his actions, reactions, and interactions.
H asking what you need I don't believe was a ruse. But that's my personal opinion. My exH and my H, when he was in the worst of this, would peek out and I could see who they used to be. It may last a day, an hour, a minute, a split second and then it's gone. He may have truly wanted to know what you needed when those words came out of his mouth, but that doesn't mean he was able to care or process what the answer was. And that's what you need to try to remember. Even if you get glimpses of who he was he isn't that man any more and it's best for you if you don't open yourself up to a person who isn't capable of taking care with your thoughts and feelings.
Friendly not friends is very, very hard when you still love that person, but the best way I was able to manage it was self preservation. I know that that is how I've been conditioned. self preservation above all else. I know that will be very hard for some one as empathetic and serving as you are. But this is a time in your life where radical self love means you choose what will keep your heart, mind and soul safe above all else. No matter who it hurts. As long as your children are not hurt by you in the process keep that at your forefront at all times.
I have gone between parallel parenting and co-parenting with exH over the last 18 years. We co-parent when he's capable. We parallel parent when he's not. H and his ex have parallel parented since they split D16 was around 3 when that happened. Co-parenting is best case scenario, but that doesn't mean it's possible. And you can't successfully co-parent with a parent who isn't in their right mind. Mental illness, AODA issues, crisis. What ever it is, it can't be done, and as long as you are willing to come together when things are incredibly important than that's all that matters. And as far as what's important, that something I'm going to need you to sit with an revise. I know one of the kiddos was having a hard time transitioning from house to house and you deemed that as important and wanted H to get on board. Honey, that wasn't important enough to engage with a person who is incapable of empathy. That was a matter you and kiddo should've talked out together. You will not be able to count on H to be receptive and helpful with the kids 100% of the time. If it isn't a major medical, educational, or mental health decision you are going to have to work most of this out on your own. You can't co-parent with a person who isn't capable. And every time you try to involve H and he doesn't carry his fair share, or gives you a non-answer, or a completely unreasonable solution he will find away to turn it into you being overbearing, or manipulative, or crazy, or what ever he wants to pin on you that week. You can't give him opportunities to pin you down.
Sage, this game is hard for you because it's game you've never had to play before. But you will have to play it if you want to survive a divorce and parenting with this man for years to come. It's a really hard thing to come to terms with. It's a really painful thing to watch someone you loved so much become a complete stranger. But it does get easier. It does become familiar. It does become second hand. It's like a very, very long game of poker. You can't tip your hand. It's best if you play close to the vest, and assume that the other player is almost always bluffing.
