3. Feeling extremely emasculated and ashamed. (stems from my wife's affair and the constant thought of feeling like I lost my wife to another man and he was somehow better than I was)
WAW's often "affair down". It's probably because they are seeking the attention they felt was missing in the M, so if they seek out someone below them on the desirability scale then they will find a person that will lavish them with attention. It's not so much a reflection on you as it is what she thinks she needs in a relationship.
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4. Reconciling my idea of love.
I think this is a required part of recovery. A lot of us went into our marriages very naïve. We thought it was "forever", that we had found our "soulmate", that what God joins together is sacred and a bond that will never be broken. I know I believed those things. And now I don't. Relationships take a lot of constant hard work to maintain. Most of us ended up here because we went on autopilot and thought that was OK. It's not.
We also need to maintain our independence, a lot of us were too codependent in marriage. Some codependency is expected and even healthy for a M, but you've got to maintain your sense of "self" as well. My therapist said once "I really hate that phrase 'you complete me', it implies someone can't be whole without a companion." She made the point that no one can be in a healthy relationship unless they are a "complete" person themselves.
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Mourning and letting go of the dreams and future that went away with my marriage.
After BD I really began to understand that saying "life is what happens while you are making plans for something else." It is so true! Just when we think we have everything worked out, some catastrophic event pops up to remind us that we are really not in control of our destinies. Not completely anyway. So plan, but also learn to accept the speed bumps.
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All in all, I feel like I am struggling a lot
But that's normal! This is a big life-changing event. Of course you will struggle with it. It takes a lot of time before your "new normal" is established. So I am about 10 years post BD. Not only did life hand me that big change, but around the same time one D went to college, and shortly after the other did. It was a lot of changes in a short amount of time. So not only did I struggle with losing my W, but also the kids I had that were suddenly adults. It was overwhelming. You struggle, you grieve, you accept and you move on with your life. Eventually it's your "new normal" and you settle into it. When I came here I was a hot mess. Have never been so despondent in my life. I remember people saying "it will get better" and thinking "no it will never get better! They don't know what I am going through!" But they were right, it did get better. Now my old life seems like distant memories, my "new normal" is so much different than that but very fulfilling in completely different ways. Ironically now that I'm established, if XW were to suddenly want to recon that would be very hard for me to wrap my head around, because THAT would flip my "normal life" upside down.
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and although some things are going okay my wife is constantly on my mind and I just want to erase it.
When you have some time read The Happiness Trap. It'll give you tools to deal with this. Like Steve said, the shortest path to recovery is THROUGH grief not around it. Don't erase or push away or bury your feelings. Acknowledge them, own them, let them happen.
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I feel okay some days but other days I really struggle and I feel very disappointed in myself for being this broken even 7 months later.
There's no timeline on grief recovery. You're not on a schedule, you'll get there when you get there. I've mentioned this before but about a year after BD I thought I was fine again. Then 6 months later I realized I had been far from fine, but I was fine then. And 6 months later.... yeah I realized I STILL had not been back to a healthy place. For most of us it doesn't take months to get well, it takes years. It happens slowly over time. You can't rush it!
