KC, I just caught up on the last couple of weeks worth of posts. It really strikes me that all of the exact same obsessive behavior you were showing towards H is now being directed at pilot. Remember how H would say something and you'd post paragraphs of analysis of what he said (no matter how brief), how he said it and the half dozen different things it could mean? Now you do the exact same thing with pilot. You've simply replaced one target for all your relationship angst and paranoia with another. I'm starting to wonder if this is something that predates BD. Maybe this is just how you've been for a long time, and maybe that's one of the reasons your H had enough. I don't know, but it's something to think about.
I think the best possible thing for you right now is to suspend dating and start therapy. A lot of people that come here don't really need therapy, I mean it can always be helpful but they are really going through the grief process more than anything else. But you have bigger issues, issues that we can't help you with here. You need professional help, and I don't see it as an option for you, it's a necessity. If you keep spiraling you may find yourself engaging in ever-more damaging behavior.
If you think you have an undiagnosed mental illness, why are you so resistant to therapy and medical attention for it ?
I recall something bad happened to you in therapy in the past. There are many ways to arrange therapy to avoid risky situations--e.., video, phone, public places, group sessions, etc.
LH likes to say I'm a narcissist. But, I know 100% that I am not. (
KK I don't say it to be mean its a sense I get from your posts. My father and Aunt are narcissist's so I know the signs. Lots of self absorption, manipulation and control in your posts. Like AS said you definitely could benefit from professional help and the fact you won't pursue it is another sign. After all narcissist's believe they are never wrong and don't need help.
LH - I've never implied that I'm not wrong or never wrong.
Ginger - I'm just exploring this area --- I think I fit several of the criteria but not all. I will do more reading and looking inward and if I feel this may be me then I will work toward making more effort to resolve if this is true or not.
I think its a big step that I see that this might very well be me.
Thornton - Its not so much the fear of abandonment as its my reaction when it happens. No I do not split people into good and evil. But I'm very intense and I'm very impulsive....
IDK --- its all just a thought. I do know I'm not a narcissist. But, I'm willing to look into BPD.
LH - I've never implied that I'm not wrong or never wrong.
Ginger - I'm just exploring this area --- I think I fit several of the criteria but not all. I will do more reading and looking inward and if I feel this may be me then I will work toward making more effort to resolve if this is true or not.
I think its a big step that I see that this might very well be me.
Thornton - Its not so much the fear of abandonment as its my reaction when it happens. No I do not split people into good and evil. But I'm very intense and I'm very impulsive....
IDK --- its all just a thought. I do know I'm not a narcissist. But, I'm willing to look into BPD.
Just one observation. Almost every narcissist has said "I'm not a narcissist". Dealing with hard truths about ourselves is difficult. I get it. I didn't want to face my Nice Guy Syndrome, nor that I was emotionally abusive to my W. In IC those truths came out.
If you're BPD or narcissistic, likely you won't truly accept it until you are diagnosed by a professional. Life is too short to not become the best you as quickly as possible. I'm praying for you KC!
Last edited by Steve85; 01/04/2108:23 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just to clarify, I am not saying you are narcissistic. Nor BPD for that matter. All I am saying is that only a professional can say you are or are not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
IDK --- its all just a thought. I do know I'm not a narcissist. But, I'm willing to look into BPD.
A trained professional would consider all possibilities--co-dependence, anxiety, bpd, narcissism--and recommend a course of treatment to get your headspace as healthy as the rest of you. You have so many strong, positive traits that come across in your posts. I am so rooting for you. If a friend's dog had a broken leg, I suspect you'd prefer them to call a veterinarian rather than read up and attempt to treat it themselves. Even if they once saw a bad veterinarian who misdiagnosed something or took advantage of them. Anyway, whether you do or do not seek a professional, we're here for you and will be cheering you on.
