My Confusing MLC Navy W

[SteveLW]

Well reason, I'm the last person that will try to convince you that you aren't seeing progress. I was in your shoes when my W started to come back to the marriage. Many here cautioned me, and rightfully so, to be careful and not over pursue. I'm concerned that with OM extremely unavailable that she settling for plan B. The problem with that is that eventually another plan A could come along. And with WWs they will continue looking for another OM.

This has crossed my mind repeatedly.
She does continue talking about buying a house and "us" and "we" and she's talking about things we're going to do together and not do (as in we would never buy one of those again). I can't tell if it's a habit or what at this point. We agreed to stop talking about buying a house or the future. I haven't brought it up outside of discussing divorce or planning specific family things or medical stuff that's unavoidable. She keeps going back to those talks. I just kind of nod and tell her it's nice or whatever, but I am not having actual conversations about the future and I don't want to even think about buying a house until this has resolved one way or another.

Last night was a series of her coming to me with things. I came home from work feeling like I was getting a cold. I was just going to go take a hot shower and lay down but she was about to take the boys to run some errands. She really wanted me to go with them and she had no problem driving (she NEVER drives). The boys went into a music store and we sat in the car and she started talking about the things that made her feel like our marriage had failed. I just listened. I did offer some of "my side" here and there but it was mostly just replies to things she was saying or asking. She talked about not knowing who she was. Not having a sense of identity, forgetting her culture (Hispanic food, music, etc).

She made a few more comments through the evening about things I like, our upcoming anniversary. We bought new bed sheets, etc and she kept asking if I liked them etc. Then in the evening she said she didn't want to go back to work (Navy), in fact she was tired of working. This is a huge change. She's been embracing the military in the past few months and very gung ho.

Later in the evening, she told me she felt guilty spending time with me. Like she was cheating on OM. She mentioned that she couldn't feel the way she wanted to. I asked what that meant and she didn't want to elaborate but that she was conflicted. I didn't want to push that. She was in tears.


My observations
I don't know if it's a MLC but honestly, this seems like things I've read that follow replay behavior. However.. whatever it IS.. I know it doesn't seem like I'm detaching or anything. I'm doing everything I can to create boundaries, buffers, etc. I am failing at a lot of the suggestions. I know it. I am also playing it by ear too though. What I am seeing, is my W is confused, afraid, torn. She doesn't have a long term vision.. of any kind, with anyone (me, OM, Navy, etc). She's trying to appeal to me in some ways. She has a guilt thing going on and probably withdrawal from OM. She's realizing that the fake identity she started to create herself based on OM is not some part of herself that she lost touch with (hip hop vs her lost latin roots). She IS starting to think about the future and realizing how complicated it is going to be. She is starting to see me as a provider and a companion.. and she's opening up to me.


All of that said.. I am still doing my own thing. I've started updating my wardrobe.. not as a vanity thing.. a lot of my clothes are 5 years old, many 10+.. it just needs to be done. I still have all the other stuff for my GAL coming up. It's not been long since my last update tbh. Frankly, I don't feel well at the moment. I think it's a cold or flu.. I don't think it's Covid.. My boss does want me to get tested so, I will take that trip in a bit.

Otherwise.. Thanks for reading all of this and offering advice

Good to hear from you reason.

So this is all pretty standard WW fare. The mixed messages, talking about future, using we and us, yet saying she feels like she is cheating on OM with you (ridiculous!), etc. WWs, as I explained before, want their cake and eat it too. Then the stuff about not knowing who she is, etc. Whether it is MLC induced or not (remember, those going through an MLC do not see it as a crisis, but as an awakening, so do yourself a favor and never use that term with her), she is wayward and you should be reading all of sandi's writings here to understand how to deal with her. sandi's input in my sitch and her writings here on the board were invaluable to me and my sitch. You should seek out any and all of her writings here and study them. I kept her 37 rules on my phone so I could refer to them in interacting with my own WW, I recommend that you get intimately familiar with her 37 rules and apply them.

And trying to make sense of what she is saying right now is a fool's game. As you rightfully point out, she has no idea what she wants right now! So how could you possibly know? This is why we say to believe NOTHING she says. Everything you wrote here is more proof to me that since her plan A (OM) is not available, then she needs to make sure her plan B (you) are firmly in place. Yet she is keeping her options open as well.

Remember reason, you should be avoiding R talks like the plague. Certainly do not initiate them, and if she does, you listen and validate her feelings. No more giving your side, it doesn't matter anyway. Truth and reality is not something that matters to her right now. So trying to share truth and reality with her likely will just frustrate her. The best thing you can do is to listen, validate, and then make an excuse at your earliest convenience to end the conversation. R talks will get you no where right now.

I like the updating the wardrobe! Something that men do very little of over time and it makes you look sloppy and unattractive. Keep GAL (as long as the COVID test comes back negative). Focus on yourself. Remove the focus from her. And work on detachment, it really is the closest thing to a magic bullet in these sitches. Note, it ISN'T a magic bullet to fix your MR, but it is a magic bullet to get you to a healthier place in your own head. Having your emotions and reactions tied to another human-being is never a good thing, even to a S! (Look up self-differentiation in marriage.)