I read most of your stuff and Steve and LH are giving you good advice.
I want to caution you - you need to work on your detachment. I told myself everyday for 1.5 years or so that this could be the last day I am married. You really need to stay cool, who knows why she is teaching you Spanish or being nice.
Be strong mentally and emotionally and commit to your personal growth. You really need to reinvent yourself in this process, not simply wait it out to see if she's serious.
You're right. I know it probably seems like I'm contradicting them a lot but I really am taking their advice to heart. I'm not trying to be argumentative so much as conversational but the internet has a way of ruining that concept.
I can't do the thing where I dwell on it being the last day of marriage. For me that breeds depression. I've already been down that rabbit hole. However, I am applying that concept with more positive messaging. New day, endless possibilities, and focus on living life. I am halfway miserable with this cold or whatever but I have been having a lot of fun otherwise over these last few weeks. Yes, my W has been part of that for a big chunk but I've been living "AS IF" and I have separated my thought process.
Detachment: (bomb was dropped Oct 21-2020) For me, detachment hasn't been easy. I couldn't stop thinking about the idea of "our marriage ending". Anything and everything that was involved in that concept was in my brain 24/7 from Oct until mid Nov. That's about when I started my idea of just trying to rebuild as friends.. and that allowed me to be around her without crying or having anxiety attacks. I was a wreck. Early Dec I had started reading articles about DB and other advice. I was still controlling her e-mails, following her location on GPS, checking up on her, etc. It was bad. I was wanting to meet her for lunch all the time, buy her things. A week or two into Dec I think is when I was really trying to ramp up what I was reading here. She was at sea about this time and I had been trying to dial down my emails but when I set firm rules for myself it got way easier. When she got back from sea I set really firm boundaries about what I would and wouldn't tolerate. I gave up her emails and don't really look at her GPS anymore. Around Christmas I told her she wasn't going to have it both ways. Started making plans for her to stay elsewhere and that she needed to pick a lane, with rebuild or divorce being the options. These are examples of what I did right. I could fill a page with what I've done wrong.
GAL: Oct 22 Put in job applications (don't have great work history). Rearranged the house, spent more time with kids. Nov - I had locked in a job and reading self help. Started working on my wardrobe. Got set up with Dr Dec - Started work, exercise, scheduled Lasik, enrolled in my Master's, visited family. Read DR Jan - Visited family, reading a book Start Where You Are. Found some cool stores/restaurants. Learning Spanish I could be doing more. I am probably forgetting things. I should also mention, that in this I let go of old "lifestyle" things from years ago that aren't really a part of my identity any more. Hobbies mostly but it dominated our house.
I think I'm making progress. I start class early Feb and have Lasik surgery this Friday. W is still confusing. Future of M is uncertain. I feel more confident. I'm sleeping better. I'm eating and exercising. While I am committed to trying to salvage M, I have realized that it may not be possible and have a plan b and a plan c. I don't feel despair. I do feel waves of doubt, uncertainty, anxiety, loneliness. I was angry for a while and I hurt. I don't know that I've let the idea of betrayal really enter my mind directly. More.. this thing or that thing happened, deal with them as specific symptoms but don't attach a connotation of betrayal. I've finally been able to move my focus off of W and M. It was stuck there like a broken record and it was paralyzing. I don't know if our M is on the path to recovery, but I do feel like I am. Getting the record "un-stuck" was the biggest step for that process.
