I've forgiven him, yes. Would I take him back, no.
This is an interesting thought exercise. Some may see these requirements as control or punishment. That's okay. The biggest indicator of changed character (not simply behaviour) would be if he fulfilled every requirement without the expectation it would lead to reconciliation. In other words, he would do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. Fulfilling these requirements would demonstrate courage, integrity, and honour. I wouldn't accept anything less.
1) Admit that he is abusive and seek counselling to change.
There's a whole universe of deprogramming that he would have to achieve. Understanding that a man's abusive attitude towards women doesn’t come from his experiences with women; it comes from his experiences with other men. To this end, he'd have to address his father's abusive behaviour with the acceptance that it might end that relationship. Recognising that no woman’s life should ever be martyred to fill a man’s emptiness. Participating in men's activism in solidarity with women’s causes. Becoming an ally against domestic abuse and intimate partner violence. Most importantly, he'd need to protect our son from being exposed to abuse, even if that meant removing himself from his life.
2) Never challenge custody, child support, or my parenting.
As the parent who had no choice but to get up every day to actually raise the child, it's my opinion that X should no longer have that privilege and honour. By abandoning his family, he has shown himself to be a defective parent and a danger to S2's emotional well-being. He is capable of being a fun weekend dad and I support that completely. He is welcome to make day-to-day decisions about parenting during his visitation time. But S2 would live with me and I alone would be responsible for his character development and socialisation. X would have input, but defer to me on all major parenting matters and accept my decisions without complaint. He would also pay child support without complaint.
3) Make a public apology in my presence.
He would need to take ownership of everything he has done and hold himself accountable to friends and family. "I had an affair and abandoned my family. I treated my wife terribly and she was underserving of this treatment. I lied to justify my behaviour and assuage my guilt. I am seeking help for my abusive behaviour and will spend the rest of my life making amends to my son. I have no expectations of my wife that she will forgive or forget and I recognise that is her right. I ask that you support me by holding me accountable for my actions so I can keep my entitlement in check." If he was feeling especially remorseful, he'd offer to repay my parents the $10k they invested in our wedding.
4) Repay the $65k it cost me to buy him out of the house.
Demonstrating desirable traits and behaviours is all well and good, but financial reparation puts his money where his mouth is. Repayment would be for S2. For all intents and purposes, X stole that money from our son. The debt affects S2's future because it affects my ability to provide for him. Now, to be clear, S2 and I are very fortunate and want for nothing. I work 0.8 FTE on a six figure salary. But the debt is an unnecessary financial burden. I recall making this point to X during settlement discussions. He said "I know I'm not doing what's right for S2, but I have to do what's right for me." This apparently means buying jetskis, bikes, car parts etc. This one still burns me.
Contact with OW is irrelevant and I have no interest in policing that. There will always be OW because I believe cheating is behaviour borne from a character flaw-- entitlement. Unless that flaw is fixed, the man is a danger to himself, me, S2, and anyone with whom he forms an intimate relationship. If a man is only as faithful as his options, I'm throwing the whole man away. Until his character demonstrates reciprocity, respect, sacrifice, and selflessness, he needs to stay out of my life.
