Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew— nah, just make ‘em hasselback!
From the original version of LOTR. Lol.
Hasselback is on my todo list.
I’m glad XH is communicating and currently calmer and more even keeled.
Originally Posted by scout12
I hope he doesn’t try to come back. It would make me sad to hurt him by saying no.
Is there nothing, or better queried, what behaviours would he need to display and tasks performed for you to even consider such a thing.
I find that is an interesting exercise. A list of things, like must have counselling, they vow to have no contact with OP (like ever again), no involvement with OP (and I mean even speaking to them) for at least full year, and so on.
This is not a list of tasks they could perform and you’d take them back. No, it is traits and behaviours they are doing to better themselves, which would make them eligible for consideration. Setting the bar as it were. It sets what you want in a partner, whether it be XH or someone else. This also defines your wanted level of faithfulness, loyalty, friendship, empathy, forgiveness, etc., and how you can recognize it when it is displayed.
What I found most interesting, I hold to those values. Setting the bar isn’t really for XW, or XH in your case, it’s for us.
We are in our most precious relationship already - ourselves. Ensure you meet your demands. Embodying those noble traits and values makes one truly happy and content.
It goes back to some of that very first advice. You save yourself. If your marriage is restored, that is a bonus. You are the most important person in all of this. Always have been.
Not wanting to hurt XH is good and noble. That displays high empathy and character.
Have you forgiven XH? What would he need to do? Of course it turns out to be nothing. He need do nothing for you to forgive. Which then significantly changes one’s view of things.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
