Still Learning...

[DnJ]

Hello Sage

- H told me he is mirroring me. So if I am happy and pleasant and friendly, he is too. If I am a little more distant and self-protective, he is too. But at the same time, he monsters or jabs at me and then expects me to maintain pleasant and friendly (NC or low contact = Sage being distant and terrible, FWIW). I want to be pleasant and friendly, but there are lots of times when I just can't be those things and not betray my recovering sense of self.

Yes, people do tend to emulate others. H’s mirroring illustrates you being the lighthouse. Of course it is still up to him to steer his ship.

Be pleasant and friendly (for you), and boundary behaviours that are disrespectful. You will need to use a grain or two of salt with H and his behaviour. You cannot, well I suppose you could boundary 100%, however that will most likely be counterproductive. Be kind and cordial; think friendly not friends. He is trying to divorce you after all.

- H has completely unrealistic expectations of what a D is going to do to him (us) financially. This really concerns me because we have the potential to D amicably or collaboratively, but the only way he is going to avoid those huge consequences is if I walk away with nothing (totally unrealistic, not going to happen). So I worry that his lack of understanding is going to create huge conflict when he realizes the truth and he will blame it on me and things will get ugly. We have crossed this bridge a few times over the last 6 months where he has an unrealistic idea in his head of how things are going to unfold and then is shocked when they unfold according to common sense consequences.

Of course he has unrealistic expectations. He is a confused emotional man and divorce is messy. When his expectations aren’t met he will become resentful, and he will blame you (again).

Don’t worry about it. Stick to business, and let it unfold with all the common sense consequences landing right where they should and need to.

- H keeps telling me that in all of my pursuit for repairing our R over the past year, I never made the focus entirely on him, it was never about how much I loved and wanted HIM, it was more about the children or the business or our life. But I have emails and texts and conversations where it was all about him and us, and that has always been my focus in my heart and mind. I have experienced so much re-writing of history that I feel like this falls into that category, but it was more recent stuff. It is like he couldn't hear me say those things. Has this happened to any of you?

H isn’t ready to repair the relationship. It takes two. You best stop trying, as it will be felt as pressure to him.

H is, and will, create whatever he needs too. Your emails, and proof, will not dissuade him from his narrative and unfortunately his belief/feelings. His history is among the casualties in his running.

Rewriting history is extremely common. My XW was convinced that she has been unhappy for 2, 5, 15 years. That’s how she said it - 2.. 5..15 years. So confused and grasping and anything to justify her actions and sooth her guilt.

Along with the past, the present is altered and ignored...when that suits them. Nice talks, pleasant times, and such, will go unremembered or unacknowledged from the MLCer. Those things do not fit within the reality they are crafting, so they ignore them. However, when we take the bait and get into an argument, their Swiss cheese mind suddenly becomes a steel trap.

When he says things like “never made the focus entirely on him, it was never about how much I loved and wanted HIM, it was more about the children or the business or our life”, answer “I’m sorry you feel that way”. That’s it. No defending. He is using your defending to further his ideas.

- In a lucid moment, H asked me what I needed from him. I said that it was really, really hard to see this person in front of me that I have loved and adored for 15 years, be so distant and cruel and pointedly hurtful to me. He acknowledged that he has so much resentment and bitterness built up in him towards me from things that have happened in our M that it makes him incapable of being that previous person and he feels angry and resentful. I have spent a year wracking my brain, heart and soul for everything I did wrong in our M to deserve this and I cannot come up with an equal balance sheet. Not even close. But I get that this is his narrative and there is nothing I can do to change it.

Back away! It’s a trap!

Be friendly not friends.

H has given you a gift. He told you plainly what is going on in him - he feels angry and resentful. You do not want the target upon you.

Yes, the balance sheet will not even be close. You know this. H is lashing out, projecting, blaming, because he cannot look to himself.

Step out of the line of fire.

- Based upon the above, he brings this sackful of resentment to me every time we interact. He metaphorically throws it all at me, but doesn't want me to fix it or sort through it or try to make it better. It's a one-way street. I am in a glass cage. I can see him coming towards me with this sack of resentment and I can't escape. I know he is going to dump it on me and try to drown me with it.

Yep. (((Hugs)))

H definitely doesn’t want you to fix it or sort through it. He needs to grow up, and part of that is dealing with his feelings. He has resentments and feels angry. Let him be. Stand clear of all that, so you are not a source of reinforcement to him of his feelings.

I don't want to live like this anymore and I know that only I am in control of that. I am very close to complete no contact and a parallel-parenting situation (as opposed to the co-parenting situation we are attempting now). But in the end, a parallel parenting scenario is going to hurt the children the most (and their longterm R with him). So I would like to avoid that if possible, at least until he follows through with D and we have the contentious issues (finances, custody) hammered out.

A parallel-parenting situation is better than an attempted co-parenting situation. If/when things improve, co-parenting will evolve from parallel-parenting. Please do not imagine too many future negatives regarding parallel-parenting. One really cannot predict. It is good to be mindful of possible hurt to the children; be equally mindful of the possible good as well. Remember, the grass is greener where you water it.

Find indifference. Let go of H. Leave him to his choices. Let him feel what it will be like to be divorced.

Where are my blind spots on boundaries to protect myself from this toxicity?

Friendly, not friends. Your friends don’t treat you that way!

H’s path is about him. Make your’s about you.

You got this.

D