Still Learning...

[Rita]

Sage-o-licious -- I believe that any of us, even the Calm DnJ, would get confused if we tried to have an R talk with our MLCer.

Remember when Ophelia went crazy (in Hamlet)? After a couple lines in which those around her thought they might be able to have a conversation, they realized she was insane and they stopped trying to have a real conversation with her. They just looked at her sadly and said to each other, "Do you see?"

If you attempt to reason with the Crazy One, you will only become crazy yourself. And that is what is happening. You are wondering about all these non-realities. None of those things are reality. And you can't make Ophelia wake out of her madness. In fact, go watch that scene right now, just google a Royal Shakespeare Theater version of it. It's art, so it will do your soul good! And maybe it will help you step back out of the MLC bubble.

The proper thing to do right now if your H wants to have an R talk is to say, "I don't see our history that way at all and I am not ready to speak about that with you. I have to get dinner started. See you later!"

Sage, do you not see the cruelty of a man who is breaking up your family asking you what you need from him? That is CRAZY TALK. What you need is for him to wake the F up and be the man you married and live up to the truths you two lived by all this time until he decided to live by a completely new set of truths. You are still living by the old truths. Don't get confused!

If he wants to talk about a wound from his childhood and you want to listen, go for it. But you do not have to listen to anything about your R because none of it is going to be true. He will either one day wake up and see you as you really are or he will never wake up. Talking this through when he is like this is pointless. I would set a strict boundary on that R talk. To the above you can add, "I see you are working through a lot of things and I think that's something you need to do on your own. We can work through anything as part of a marriage but not as part of a divorce. That's too painful for me so I am going to leave now."

Also that line about the focus on him versus the children -- yes, every man wants his wife to find him sexy and wonderful and the center of her world, and we need to make time for that. But a great husband WANTS his wife to focus on their children and be an amazing mom. A person with NPD -- long term or the potentially temporary one of MLC -- does not want that. Everything your H says is exactly what all of us heard from our MLCers. We wracked our brains too. We beat ourselves up to. A couple years later, some of us had our MLCer wake up and s/he stopped saying that nonsense. But some of us didn't. And the MLCer kept thinking that, and there was nothing we could do.

Sage, I was totally devoted and loving to my H after BD. I was before that too, but I really transformed myself after BD and did the Love Dare like four times, waited for him for SEVEN YEARS. I am not a perfect person but I was patient, silent, loving, supportive, while he trounced. I never ever tried to have an R talk or rarely permitted that once I got a little wiser and if he tried to tell me about OW, I said, "That is between you and God. Do not speak to me about that." And then I either took a walk or went back to cooking or whatever. Mine never came back, never saw me as I really am, just got worse and meaner and meaner. I have several friends, some from here and some from ministry, whose MLCer did come back and they did rebuild. It can go either way but only if your H comes out of his crazy head. Nothing you do can change that. Just live according to what you know to be true, walk with grace and courage, don't sink into his mire. If he comes back, wonderful. If not, you never lost sight of truth, love, beauty, and you grew stronger and wiser and even more beautiful in your soul.

Point is, don't talk about that stuff. It won't work and it will only make you crazy. When he is clear-headed one day, you will know, and you will not have to wrack your brain or torture yourself or feel confused.

Also about the financial unreality -- yes, all those things are going to happen. So get all the finances documented and use formulas to figure out the split. If he loses it or gets mad, nothing you can do. Have to go to court. I've been doing it for three years and no end in sight. Decide what you can give up and be ready to do that. Anything else, yes, it will be awful and you will have to fight him for what is right for your kids. Document everything and fight for your kids and surrender the idea that you can keep him from losing it. It's what we all went through and I think I can say that my sitch is the hyperbolic example of how bad it can be. Your job is to get strong enough to walk through it, not to keep your H from facing reality or having to give you your share. That said, don't fight for every little thing. Decide what loss you can live with to have peace. Don't offer it at the beginning, but be ready to go there if you have to.