I've been gone a couple of months. I did get on a plane on Nov 7th and left my W to come stay with my family. Two months later and I am still away from home. Leaving was definitely the best decision I could have made for my emotional well being. I believe I've been able to let go of the blinding anger that I was feeling towards her. My sister has been an absolute life saver. She has served as an emotional support, my GAL partner, keeping me busy and my mind distracted. She divorced her H after 25 years of marriage so knows exactly what I am going through.
I've made the decision to remain here another month and return home the first week in February. I need to go home and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, i.e., need a new job, new place to live, etc. All of which will be extraordinarily difficult as I still cannot picture a future without my W. I absolutely love her and don't know how I will feel going back home and doing an in-house separation until I am ready to move on emotionally and financially.
My W and I have been in contact since I left. The holidays were excrutiating for me but I managed to limit our conversations. She would primarily call when she needed help with something. I was the one that paid all the household bills, dealt with handyman, IT issues, etc., so she would call anytime she had a question about paying a bill, needed a phone number for something, login or password help. All conversations were civil and never any R talks until today.
I called her this morning and told her I was thinking about coming home and needed to know how she felt about it and what to expect when I arrived. We had a 2 hour long conversation that was heart breaking but necessary. She reiterated that our marriage is over, she cannot give me what I want and just wants to concentrate on working on herself but she also said she wasn't ready to make a final decision about divorce. Said she wasn't giving herself a timeline and was just taking it one day at a time. Told me it was completely up to me to decide how I wanted to move forward with my own life. She also expressed concern about the in-house separation. I validated as best I could. Told her that I will respect her feelings and decision despite the fact that it is not what I want. Agreed that I would permanently move into the spare bedroom until I was ready to move out.
Moving forward I will need a lot of support from you guys to DB appropriately. I know I will need to continue to GAL once I return home, work on my 180's and make a plan to move out eventually. I know I need to do all these things for myself but I truley cannot fathom letting go of my W. I've never loved anyone the way I love her and never imagined losing her. A divorce is the last thing in the world I want, but if I want to be realistic, I think I will be like a lot of other LBS on here and eventually be the one to file.
