Yes, I married an extremely weak man. To say the least.
What I want to save is that I want to continue to live in the same home as my child every single day, and I want to continue to be a SAHM to my child.
Other than that, there's nothing to save, I know. Our relationship never stood a chance. Much of why it never stood a chance has to do with my in-laws and the property we live on that jointly belongs to H and them. (Yes, I know that's only an issue because H doesn't put our marriage first, and THE issue is that he doesn't put our marriage first.) Since MIL passed away, and H's siblings are in the process of forcing the sale of the property, I am hoping we will eventually move far away to a home that is mine and H's, and that we will then have a chance at something that resembles a better relationship.
As far as deal-breakers and boundaries, it took me a while, but I did get some. When SIL and her daughters held that meeting in our home, that was a deal-breaker. They never stayed in our home again, but they never wanted to again after I fell out with them over that meeting. If they wanted to, I wouldn't have let them. Our home stopped being their frequent-stay free motel. BIL1 is the only one of my in-laws who has stayed in our home since then.
SIL would still visit whenever she wanted after that, but she would stay elsewhere or park her trailer on the property and stay in it for however long she wanted. H paid hundreds of dollars for special plumbing hookups to accommodate her trailer (without discussing it with me first, of course - I found out accidentally). But MIL was the big draw for SIL and her daughters, and they haven't really been to the property since she's been gone.
For that matter, BIL2 was on the property uninvited again a few days ago, doing who knows what. I didn't see him, but I saw his car parked on the property, and he wasn't in it. A sight that made my stomach turn. When H called me on his way home from work, I told him BIL2 was around and that I wasn't happy about it. He replied, "Maybe he's just there to take some photos." You'd think he was making a bad joke, but he was absolutely serious. Normally, I would pick a big fight with him for that, but I left it alone. I think I heard a hint of fear in his voice, like he was afraid I was going to ask him to tell BIL2 to leave. So there you have it - let's humor the serial trespasser's delusion of being a photojournalist, on the property from which he was once forcibly removed by restraining order.
Once I step outside my home (that is to say, the house I live in with H), I have no standing on the property, according to a pecking order that was established long before I met H. There's really nothing I can do about it.
But as far as our home is concerned, H is a lot better now about discussing it with me first before inviting people over. A sticking point for me as someone with social anxiety. We did have a few fights in the last year and a half about him inviting people over without discussing it with me first, but at least they were people I liked, and he is a lot better now overall.
Then again, that's probably just incidental, considering the new era of social distancing, and not anything to do with any particular desire he may have to do right by me.
I don't know if you read my post where I talked about a bipolar male friend of H's and the weird connection between them that started us off on the wrong foot. It was probably sometime in 2016 (a couple years after we were married) when H blurted out to me that the guy absolutely hated my guts. The guy would be rude and contemptuous to me when we'd visit him and his wife at their home, and I would pass it off as his bipolar disorder, as if it was a stuttering problem he couldn't help. Once H told me that the guy had a deep personal hatred for me, I refused to see or have anything to do with the guy and his wife ever again. So, what I'm saying is that's another deal-breaker and boundary - I won't put up with "friends" like that again.
I don't know if H has visited with them since, but I know he's been in contact with them via phone or text. He knows that if it were up to me, he would have nothing to do with them, but I can't stop him.
We saw the guy's wife at a party hosted by a former coworker of H's in 2018. That was awkward. And I caught sight of her a couple times when I had appointments at a medical facility where she was making the rounds, but I avoided her, and I stopped going to that facility in order to avoid seeing her there anymore.
Has H learned from our experiences with the bipolar friend, in any way that would benefit our relationship? Surely not. He doesn't have that kind of introspection when it comes to our relationship. He's weak before all these people, and I want to see if we can start a new and better relationship if we move far away to a home that is ours, where my in-laws and these "friends" have less influence.
Also, the "Don't poke the hornet's nest" approach I mentioned in my reply to May above - that's a new thing I'm trying. It's been years of me trying to fight H into becoming the kind of man who stands up for and protects me. He's limited - he's just not that kind of man, and I'm trying to accept it and not fight anymore.
Originally Posted by Steve85
So hedlite, I just finished reading your long post.
Wow. I didn't quote it in case you ever need it deleted, but that was a very tough read. Extremely tough. You've been dealing with a feckless, weak, and spineless husband for years. You've been dealing with someone that has no respect for you. Someone that prioritizes virtually everything else above you. I mean the anniversary thing, not celebrating it for the first four years, is huge.
So what are you trying to save here? I'm sorry but it appears you've been eating helpings of crap sandwiches for years. I've gone on record here before wondering how spouses, and wives in particular, can put up with so much for so long. It saddens me that you value yourself so little that you'd put up with all this for so long. I'm not saying that to be mean or callous, I mean I feel for you greatly. But I say it because I'd love for you to find that value and then draw boundaries, have deal-breakers, and form core values based on that value. I feel with the history of this relationship the worst thing you could do is to further sacrifice and rollover for this man just to save your marriage.
What you describe in your post isn't marriage. It is a woman allowing herself to be walked over by a man that deprioritizes her in almost all cases.
