I totally get not changing yourself to get someone....
Here's the thing... I totally talk a lot!!!!
I'm terribly shy and an introvert. It just takes me a bit of space to open up... I have to sit back and observe and listen... but trust me none of my close friends realize this because I've know them decades.
I totally get not changing yourself to get someone....
Here's the thing... I totally talk a lot!!!!
I'm terribly shy and an introvert. It just takes me a bit of space to open up... I have to sit back and observe and listen... but trust me none of my close friends realize this because I've know them decades.
I just needed a little bit more time.
So you think the reason he ghosted you was because you didn’t talk enough ?
Introverted is part of your identity. If you changed that, you might have turned on pilot, but turned off the next guy. I'm outgoing/introverted. My GF is, too. She likes that I "get" that when we go to a party she can talk to a dozen people for a bit but then needs breaks to recharge! My "intermediate girlfriend" I initially met at a (pre-COVID) party, because four of us introverts all chose the same natural place to recharge.
It's a much better feeling when someone says "Next" when you're being yourself and just not right for them, than to act like something you're not, and be Nexted when the real you may have clicked with them. If you couldn't tell, I'm a strong advocate for writing up-front dating profiles and being authentic when dating. Which, of course, didn't preclude my car and home being cleaner than usual, lol. I tried to be myself on my better days on first dates, not like I look after driving 14 hours and too much caffeine.
Introverted is part of your identity. If you changed that, you might have turned on pilot, but turned off the next guy. I'm outgoing/introverted. My GF is, too. She likes that I "get" that when we go to a party she can talk to a dozen people for a bit but then needs breaks to recharge! My "intermediate girlfriend" I initially met at a (pre-COVID) party, because four of us introverts all chose the same natural place to recharge.
It's a much better feeling when someone says "Next" when you're being yourself and just not right for them, than to act like something you're not, and be Nexted when the real you may have clicked with them. If you couldn't tell, I'm a strong advocate for writing up-front dating profiles and being authentic when dating. Which, of course, didn't preclude my car and home being cleaner than usual, lol. I tried to be myself on my better days on first dates, not like I look after driving 14 hours and too much caffeine.
I get that.... and I told him I'm an introvert... and it was sort of a running joke. But, I'm not an outgoing introvert. I'm shy but once I feel comfortable in a situation... I'm good... game on.
But, I can look back to other situations. I was dating a guy I knew from high school prior to meeting my husband. Of course, given our past history it was easy to connect right off the bat. The problem came in meeting his friends. I did not say much of anything... true to myself I sat observed and listened. I was engaged in the convo and made eye contact but frankly the 3 of them having know each other for a long time dominated the conversation... I was getting to know them by listening. He felt I did not like his friends because I was so quiet. Once I explained the situation he was cool with it and tried leaning back more so the conversations didn't seem dominated about the 3 of them.
So --- I probably dodged a bullet. I mean I would have gotten to the point I talked non-stop to the pilot for sure but first time meeting his friends/family I probably would have bombed it. I mean I would have hopefully taken a moment to let him know upfront that I would be listening and observing hopefully... and then he would perhaps be understanding. Who knows.
When it came to my STBXH - his family is HUGE. And, some really took the time to sit and talk one on one with me which is easier... which is why 3 of his Aunts/Uncles are my favorite!!! it was easier to navigate a conversation one on one than in a group situation. Of course he was sooo into me at the time he didn't care how I felt about his family and vice versa.
In my logical part of my brain I know this.... Its my emotional part of the brain that rejecting the rejection.
Try being a woman for a bit LH... LOL. Our logical brains are heavily influenced by our emotional brains. That's not the case with men. That's a scientific fact.
And Ginger... before you chime in about how you are woman and blah blah blah.... LOL!!! Its easier to be on the outside looking in than being in the thick of the fog. You can tell me to move left, move right, go straight 50ft. You have to be able to absolutely trust the person telling you how to get through the smoke when you can only see 2ft in front of you... its hard to let go of what you brain is telling you makes the most sense and listening to someone who is trying to guide you to safety. I'm listening to EVERYONE. Its just my brain is kicking in telling me what the "right" answer is....
In my logical part of my brain I know this.... Its my emotional part of the brain that rejecting the rejection.
Try being a woman for a bit LH... LOL. Our logical brains are heavily influenced by our emotional brains. That's not the case with men. That's a scientific fact.
And Ginger... before you chime in about how you are woman and blah blah blah.... LOL!!! Its easier to be on the outside looking in than being in the thick of the fog. You can tell me to move left, move right, go straight 50ft. You have to be able to absolutely trust the person telling you how to get through the smoke when you can only see 2ft in front of you... its hard to let go of what you brain is telling you makes the most sense and listening to someone who is trying to guide you to safety. I'm listening to EVERYONE. Its just my brain is kicking in telling me what the "right" answer is....
One day at a time
More admissions. More justifications, rationalizations, and excuses. There is no problem in having issues. The problem is when you refuse to do what you need to do to work on the issues. Your efforts so far (reading, videos, etc) haven't been working. Your R history, including with the pilot, are a direct reflection of that. You'll continue this cycle for the rest of your life until you deal with the underlying issues, instead of finding the next bandage to apply to the outward symptom.
Nothing you haven't heard before, I guess at this point I should just stop trying.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
In my logical part of my brain I know this.... Its my emotional part of the brain that rejecting the rejection.
Try being a woman for a bit LH... LOL. Our logical brains are heavily influenced by our emotional brains. That's not the case with men. That's a scientific fact.
And Ginger... before you chime in about how you are woman and blah blah blah.... LOL!!! Its easier to be on the outside looking in than being in the thick of the fog. You can tell me to move left, move right, go straight 50ft. You have to be able to absolutely trust the person telling you how to get through the smoke when you can only see 2ft in front of you... its hard to let go of what you brain is telling you makes the most sense and listening to someone who is trying to guide you to safety. I'm listening to EVERYONE. Its just my brain is kicking in telling me what the "right" answer is....
One day at a time
More admissions. More justifications, rationalizations, and excuses. There is no problem in having issues. The problem is when you refuse to do what you need to do to work on the issues. Your efforts so far (reading, videos, etc) haven't been working. Your R history, including with the pilot, are a direct reflection of that. You'll continue this cycle for the rest of your life until you deal with the underlying issues, instead of finding the next bandage to apply to the outward symptom.
Nothing you haven't heard before, I guess at this point I should just stop trying.
I accept my behaviors and understand them... I am looking inward more than you know. I'm honest and put my struggles out there to be judged. I vacillate from day to day from hour to hour.
I understand completely the difference between my logical brain and my emotional brain... I understand my choices and regrets are being driven by emotional brain.
Its going to take time to rewire that said brain - not going to happen overnight. It get and understand that no matter how many books, videos, etc or IC I do.... time is the component.
My path to healing is not yours and yours is not mine.
I see tremendous progress.
Am I still making mistakes. Of course. True changes takes time.
Please know the most important step in all of this is that I accept myself for where I am right now - mistakes and all. I think that's a big step toward self love and I was no where near this 6mo ago.
I get the emotional and logical brain stuff. I even understand it when it comes to long term relationships.
But if you’re struggling with your emotional decisions with a guy you just knocked boots with a few times you’re gonna be in big trouble. You will always come off as needy and desperate until you get it under control.
The date on Saturday was a very interesting person. We met at a favorite place of mine but the last time I was there was with the pilot so it was a little difficult at first - constant reminder. Weird though because my STBXH and I went there several times.
Sundays date was a little interesting. I had 2 drinks but they were strong and I was super chatty.
So here I sit. Its Monday.
LH likes to say I'm a narcissist. But, I know 100% that I am not. However, I'm starting to be concerned if I have BPD. I do absolutely no self harm behaviors/no suicidal behaviors. Only 1 issue like that in my past but I was sleep deprived and had an physically abusive boyfriend at the time... my parents were going through a divorce and I blamed it on stress and all the pressures other people were putting on me. Once the negative components got removed - the boyfriend was gone and I removed my mother from life for a couple of years - life got WAY better. Never had that issue of self harm ever show up again.
I need to look into this more but I think BPD is me....
