Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[Rita]

Cardinal, I meant to respond to your last post but got sucked into my own little nightmarish project (which you can discover in my own exciting thread).

I totally understand your thought process and reflections and feelings and longings and all of that because I did just what you are doing. I don't think there is a way to not do it. But if you are ever able to go on faith alone, have faith in this -- he can't understand any of those things you wish he would understand, and he can't see you clearly, or anything that happened or is happening. A day can come when he will but right now you are a little bit like the adults in Charlie Brown to him - wonh wonh wonh wonh. He knows you are talking about something relevant to him and that you think he is listening and he might even make a movement in the direction you are pointing. But he really doesn't know what you are saying and he can't care about you.

Believe me. I had CANCER and it made no difference. My H sometimes tried to pretend he cared about me during that time period. But I only saw HIM, the real H, once, and I assure you it was not the same guy as I saw before and after that moment, for all the rest of MLC. My H woke up for 8 hours. When I came out of surgery (mastectomy), I looked into his eyes and it was him. I held his hand that whole night and we talked and he had EMPATHY for me, he could SEE me. It wasn't even that we spoke of anything specific. It was just HIM. And then he was gone. In the morning, I woke up, and I knew. His eyes were MLC again. He was pacing the hospital room. He pushed me to leave the hospital quickly, so much so that I almost fainted on the street. In the car he said, "No, things are going to be different, you are the mother of my children," as if he was trying to convince himself. But I knew he wasn't in there anymore.

Later I found out that while I was in surgery, he was texting the OW who he had not spoken to for a while til then. (I think he was trying to come back to the family but couldn't make himself do it.) And he started back up with her again as I was recovering. I remember I had to drain those post surgery bags all the time and I started doing it myself because I couldn't bear to see him trying to do his hateful duty to me.

Slowly you realize that all your agonizing, thinking, trying, telling yourself you want to be able to say later that you did everything you could, gave it your all, etc., that none of it really matters to them. All that you are doing will only matter if/when your H can see you again. Like DnJ always says, stand for your values for YOU. But the reason for that for me is because you can only do it for you, since it won't change anything about your H. Your standing will only mean something to your H when the day comes that he can see you again. But you can't do anything to make him see again. And he may or may not remember what happened at that point. So be the woman you want to be but let him go and know that the guy that looks like him is not him. If he ever came back, he would know you again, he would have empathy for you and he would appreciate who you are as he did before MLC. During MLC he is living on another planet and he can't hear you from there.

Lots of love to you and wishes for a CLEAR New Year full of peace for you and a memory of how wonderful you are, and how your life can be a joy full of things that you love to see and do and be, on your own.