Happy New Year. Quick question, if your STBXW came back to you tomorrow and apologised for the hurt she caused you, for abandoning you and recognised all your changes and wanted to give it a second chance, what would you do?
This is an excellent question and one I have been working on with my therapist and have discussed with Sally.
I would talk. I have been waiting to talk for 14.5 months. But I would have to approach any discussion independent of Sally, meaning it would have to be just me and the ex. And after 15 months I am very doubtful I would go back with my her. I would forgive her, of course -- in fact, I already forgave her. But among all the things I have realized over this time, including my deep look into my own failings, I have realized that my ex did not really know me, even after having been married to me for so long. She didn't understand me. I made a million mistakes, of course. But her key decision was probably 2-3 years ago, when she decided to plan for a divorce rather than give our marriage a try. She thought I had anger problems. She was certain I would never change. She has insisted to her friends that she tried and tried and tried and finally gave up when it was hopeless -- but it never was hopeless! I forget which other DBer here said it, but at BD, the WAW views the LBH in only bad terms, and the LBH views the WAW in only good terms. After time goes by, the WAW starts to mellow in her critical thoughts, but the LBH looks are her more skeptically and wonders why he should stay with someone who doesn't want him and was willing to betray him by walking out without notice. I am at that stage now.
The chances of her doing that are miniscule. My ex is not especially sophisticated, and when she makes decision she sticks with it. Some people are not wired that way, but she is. I am certain that she is relieved to not have to be around me now, that it is a relief to have a kitchen, a bedroom, and a living room to herself. She's not coming back.
