Still fighting...

[Liz11]

I agree with Thornton. Getting into IC was an awesome step. Keep working on you.

You're also in a decent place with your sitch. The WAS being unsure of what they want is pretty common. But it's better than them running for the door. The problem is that you are clinging to that and think it means you need to pressure and pursue. Because that comes very natural to us. Backing off, giving time and space, DBing is scary and feels like we are giving up on them.

The problem is that he has to decide to come back on his own. Talking him into it, trying to convince him you've changed isn't going to work. So learn how to listen and validate. Stop initiating R talks, and use listening and validating when he does.

I'm liking the efforts on 180s, now just get better at GAL and detachment and give things time.

Thanks Steve. I appreciate the support about IC. What I've zeroed on in that I'm struggling with is very hard to change, but I see that my thoughts/behaviors that have put my M into turmoil are not what I want in my life.

I hope I'm still in a decent place with my sitch. And I have been clinging hard to any amount of hope I can find, and then pressuring pretty hard for more clarification when it comes. I'm trying my best to stop doing that. Sometimes I feel like I pull back and detach a little and that's when he initiated some contact with me and one of those went well, and sometimes I think it was just a coincidence that's when he reached out. I suppose it doesn't matter.

My IC told me that one warning indicator for me should be efforts to convince, because that tends to start a lot of the thoughts and behaviors that are more problematic. IC also has me listening to 10 things I need to do every day to start changing those thoughts and behaviors, and it's eerie how many of them line up with what you said...be mindful, listen and validate, etc.

GAL is...very hard for me. I've spent some good quality time with a few old friends lately and that helped while I was doing it, but the crushing feelings start coming back pretty fast once I'm not distracted anymore. I used to have interests and things that I enjoyed a lot, but ever since all of this started...going back a while...I've lost sight of a lot of them. My IC says that's typical with someone who has the traits/tendencies that popped back up again when things started to go to pot with the death of a parent...those traits kind of eat at your identity. My hope is those things will come back as I start chipping away at the more ambient stuff.