Still fighting...

[Liz11]

Hey Liz - sorry to hear about your recent struggles. While reading your post, this jumped out at me. I'm glad you are talking to IC about this. Do you have abandonment issues from your childhood?

A big one, yes...and then some smaller ones after that. I've never been a serial dater or serial monogomist...I only really had anything close to this kind of reaction during a relationship a long time ago. I actually was conscious of it then and spent a lot of time thinking about it, but never felt it rearing its head during my relationship with H until the stress of a parent's health issues started compounding. And once those traits start churning in my head, it can be tough to get out of my head and see them for what they are. It took me a long time in therapy to start seeing them for what they are, and I'm still working on ways to change them.

Second, relationship talks are big no-no's. Every time you talk about the R with your H, you are reminding him that things are bad at the moment. Instead, stop talking about the relationship and show him through ACTIONS that you are working on yourself and growing as a person.

I agree. I think I actually did well when he left the first time about not initiating R talks, but I have failed miserably this time around.

Re actions versus words, during one face to face interaction I think it went well...that was when he tried to kiss me. I really felt like I was able to get control of the funk I slip into before he came over that time. I've just been starting to identify the more ambient things that have contributed to the mindset that hurts me and I know has become a pressure/anxiety cooker for him. However, during the second interaction, I got lost a lot in my head before he came over, and got sullen and anxious, and I know during a lot of it I was distant...and that seems to at least in part have made him sad. The low-key sullen/anxious thing has been the hardest to work on steadily in counseling...and even though those feelings might sound understandable given the circumstances, it goes deeper than that, and is a part of a bigger problem that I'm trying so hard to be mindful of and overcome.

It sounds like your H is still unsure about which direction he wants to go which is good. But you need to stop making mistakes. Have you read Sandi's rules?

I hope he's still unsure. A lot of my IC was dedicated to the bigger stuff I did to hurt him, and before he left again, I was just starting to get some awareness about the ambient stuff. And I read and followed Sandi's rules pretty carefully the first time through...but I've been spinning a lot over the past month and a half since he left again, and I've broken so many. I just read them again. My IC has a set of 10 rules for working on the issues we've identified that I try to listen to every day, plus I need to really re-internalize Sandi's rules. Lots of rules.