You would be setting yourself up. She is wayward. She wants her H and family while age waits for OM's return. It's what we can "cake eating". From the saying "have your cake and eat it too". All the markers are there. You push her on being there VS. just present. You suggest she move into an extended stay. She panics not wanting to be alone for 6 months so she starts manipulating you with affection and sex! Classic WW stuff here.
So, where is your DBing in all of this? I'm not seeing GAL. What are you doing to improve yourself? In the thick of my sitch I was reading 3-4 books a month! Where is your detachment efforts? Have you even tried to separate your emotions from her words and actions?
As far as the intimacy. The general advice is that if you can't let her initiate without attaching significance and meaning to it then you should turn her down. It sounds like that is what your struggling with.
OM isn't returning. He's been shipped out to another duty station.. 3+ years I don't know what VS is. These last 2-3 days she has opened up about feelings, goals, and the future. I didn't elaborate on this because I was still unpacking.. literally and mentally/emotionally. The intimacy thing.. that is definitely a hard thing. My body is screaming at me but my heart feels detached.. I want it but it feels like it's in the way that a dog would eat anything you throw to it.
My DBing: I am literally trying to put her in an extended stay. How is that not detachment effort? I can't drag her to one and change the locks. I am waiting for class to start in Feb for my Masters. I am having Lasik surgery on the 8th. I have started reconnecting with old friends and spending more time with our kids. I didn't really elaborate on this stuff because my last post was more of an update on my trip/out of town than my specific particulars. Yesterday though, I did leave the house right before she got home. I dressed up nice, and put on cologne etc. I went out by myself for a while. Enjoyed some decompression time and picked up a few things. Our family is blended heritage so I found a little Latino grocery store and grabbed things that I know she likes but also that our kids have never had. The boys were excited and she was like "where did you get that!?!?". It created a family moment last night. I removed myself from that moment after a while and took care of things around the house I had started earlier in the day. I sat back down and she put on a show we had been watching together. She never puts on shows. She waits for me.. basically to start anything. When laundry was ready I excused myself and told her not to pause it. She didn't at first but when I was gone a while she did. I came back in the room to grab my sweater for like half a second (literally was going upstairs) and she asked me if I wanted her to rewind it and started telling me what happened. She never.. NEVER.. does that. Even on our best days. I said sure and sat down with a bit of distance between us. More laundry.. she did it AGAIN.. and.. asked me to watch another episode. I told her to start it and continued with my things and she paused it to wait this time even though I told her not to. When we went upstairs there was some body language that she was not interested in intimacy and I did make it clear that I wasn't in a place for that. When we sat down in bed, I was more or less ignoring her and she started asking about watching something and trying to show me her FB timeline, wanting to share.. anything it seems like. We watched part of a movie before we got sleepy and when we laid down, she was the first to say goodnight, and during the night she moved to be closer to me. This morning, she started talking about things she's been doing at work.. which includes picking her replacement. She has been very resistant to retiring from the military but I think this is helping it sink in. She's talking about how much younger these people are, how little time she has, etc. She sounded.. at ease. Every time prior, she's been on edge about this. She wants to make Chief but she hasn't studied. She stopped studying while she was at sea and hasn't even looked at the material. It's sitting on the couch where she left it for the last .. I don't even know. She's been talking about where she wants to live post military.
Again, we've been out of town for almost 2 weeks. Being basically in the same room the whole time. We've been back 2 days, and I've already gone out to do my own thing (what I just detailed above).
One of the biggest takeaways from the book I have read this month (DR) is to look for positive changes. That has happened. I also thought I made it pretty clear that I know not to trust these changes.
IMO what is happening: She had huge plans. She was going to make Chief, I was going to happily separate, her and OM would have a wonderful R, our kids would never know anything about what would happen, my life would quietly fade from her mind, her days would suddenly be sunshine and rainbows, and the Navy would suddenly be a warm, friendly environment that was supportive and understanding. Most of all that she would have a clean conscious.
Not a single part of this played out that way.
She didn't make Chief. I made it clear I would push a very costly drawn out divorce. OM moved away and seems to not have ANY contact with her. The kids found out and were pissed. She has realized very recently that my life and hers are so intertwined that in the best of conditions it would be extremely laborious to disconnect ourselves. She's had huge ups and downs, emotionally and physically (I'm probably about to have to take her to a series of breast appointments because of some large painful lumps). The Navy caught wind of her PA and she's been interviewed a few times and feels like everyone is watching her now and has started preparing her to move on. She has clearly been having a lot of thoughts about things and admitted to her pride being an issue and is torn.
I don't think she's sorry about what she's done, but I don't know. I am starting to see what could be moments of introspection.. maybe. She's made numerous comments about trying to fix things, our future, visiting people and places together. She's even started trying to get me to eat more because I've lost weight. She's caught herself a few times saying she likes me when I'm bigger (I used to be a gym rat, at my heaviest 200lb w/10%bf) These are all baby steps to me.
I consider this to be small progress. In the meantime, I'm going to keep pushing my GAL and DBing efforts and trying to stay positive.
For me, at this point Living as If, is about paying off debt, getting my Masters, spending time with our kids, exercising and keeping my eye on property and job market in places I'm planning on living after this plays out. Unfortunately, this means I have a plan A, B, and C as well as my own ideas as to how I'd like any of those to play out.
Thanks everyone for replying and sorry for such a long post. I wanted to be more detailed this time so thanks for reading.
