Steve85 - yes the fiance' was pregnant... she lost the baby back in August. That was the beginning of a downward spiral. Other things have since come out. SS20 is dealing with his poor choices. I've been there to help support him. Show him some resources and getting him to focus on making some long term changes for himself.
Well needed to take care of a business item with STBXH. I asked that he call me when he had uninterrupted time to talk. He agreed to call that night.
A positive note - he called and answered the phone quite friendly. It was not uncommon if he called me to go "yeah" in a harsh tone or "you called" or "what do you want". It was refreshing.
1) He had to contact me last week over an issue with the cell phone bill. He was courteous at the time. Not angry. Not accusatory. Let me know that he took care of it. It was my job when I got back home to figure out what happened and how to move forward. So I talked about the resolution and moving forward. It is all no big deal but we needed to be on the same page.
2) I then said - this will be weird but stick with me. "Do you remember going to TN for our wedding and driving through the foothills and mountains thickly covered with green trees. You looked at me and said you would love to just have a backpack head into them." He replied "yes". If you ever felt I did not accept you for who you were or didn't respect or support you in becoming the best version of yourself, I apologize. STBXH was quiet for a moment and then said. "What brought this up". I replied "A short time ago you texted me stated that you failed me. You pretended to be someone you were not to be with me, but I always knew who you were. I wanted you to know that that I was listening 10yr ago and I still remember that 3 min convo all these years later. I never wanted you to be someone you weren't"
I then quickly segway to
3) You know I have an appt with atty this week. H quickly interjected "oh, your back from Seattle?" Me, yes... and then there was talk about what we did in Seattle and he asked if I went to X, Y, Z, etc. Tried to get back on track to the convo by stating "I wanted to be the one to tell you I'm having the atty file for D. I didn't want you to find out with a notice on your door or in the mail". He just said OK. In my head I know this is what he wants and its time. Sure I was hoping for a Thank You for the heads up/moving on --- but perhaps my telling him I'm filing for D was something he wasn't expecting. Sure, I won't lie there was 10% of me hoping he would say we don't have to go that step just yet. But, I'm not filing to get his attention. I'm filing because if I'm going to be dating I need to be actively pursuing my D.
I then tried to wrap it up. Those were the only things I needed to talk to him about but he kind of kept lingering on the phone. So I just went with "You at work? Boy, you have nothing but OT these days. I know how much you hate OT". He was yawning and clearly exhausted and confirmed how much he hates OT. I said "I know. You were always so tired, stressed out and therefore in a foul angry mood. I just internalized that unhappiness as a personal attack and ended up behaving not so nice to you. i really did try to support you in the best way I knew how but I could have done better"
Then he talked about how he has 7wk of vaca this year... WOW... really? Apparently due to COVID he will have 2 additional weeks next year. He had already asked me to take the puppy for 3 weeks in March and had already stated he was going to Seattle in the spring and his bff was moving there.... so I assumed he was going to Seattle for 3 weeks and asked if he was riding his bike out there. He paused for a second and then clarified he was going to Alaska for 3 weeks. Me - surprised "oh really". He volunteered its a fishing trip. Me - very cool!!! I was dumb enough to ask who was going (facepalm). He stated bff, another guy who he looks up too from the veterans retreat and a couple of other guys. SOOOOOooo sounds like a guys trip. So if OW is not going how am I ending up with the dog for 3 weeks??? Maybe OW is going... who knows. He seems to have this idea she is more outdoorsy than I am I guess. I asked if they were getting a cabin off the grid - he replied yes and I stated how amazing. Then we just talked some basics about the puppy and when he comes to stay with me in March.
I realize I'm not supposed to talk to STBXH this much but its been weeks with little contact. I know it means nothing. My only hope is now that is been almost 11mo my apology is a lot more sincere than right after BD. I'm not so emotional. Have had a decent time to reflect. I suppose that was ME bringing up the R and that's a no no... but whatever. Clearly, I've proven I'm not good at following instructions... LOL.
I'm okay. Overall I think I'm indifferent.
At this exact moment I'm more bummed over the crash and burn with the pilot than the loss of my H so maybe the rebound did its job???
EDIT - for reference STBXH's dream is to live in the Brooks Ridge Mountains for 1 year with nothing but what he carry.
