Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

Oh yeah. Eating so many sticky buns and treats that one can’t eat lunch. What a great time of year!

H’s cyclic mood swings, anger/outbursts to nice and back and forth, do let his emotions out. It releases his pain a bit and he can return for a bit. You see this, his attitude is lighter, and he appears all is well again. And his inner pain invariably rises up once again and the cycle restarts.

This is good. He is releasing some anger. He is not blaming you, or at least not continual blaming you - those periods of nice. It’s good you are not continually in the line of fire, as it gives him time to consider other ideas. Like, hmmm cardinal hasn’t actually been causing me problems and yet I’m still upset, maybe she isn’t the cause, maybe I am.

H is working on getting a handle on his emotions and cannot handle anyone else’s right now. It’s not surprising he is not wanting to, or probably more accurately not able to, be part of your larger family - for the time being.

And of course you miss him, the old him. Especially when he pops in during these nice moments.

Stay your course my friend. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. And remember H’s path is still his. This crisis, he has to walk it, to the finish, and you weren’t invited along. Stay strong girl!

Didn't care enough, didn't love enough--I think he feels this way toward his mom and old friends as well and, again, all the anger and pain of it is pinned to me.

H doesn’t love himself.

One cannot love others until they love themselves. That is true for the MLCer, the LBS, friends, family, anyone.

Those suffering emotional pain and torment will project and blame their lack of self love and lack of self respect upon others in an attempt to cover up their pain. It will work for a while. It is a short term fix. Long term, one needs to look inward and fix themselves. And that can only be done by those willing to do it.

Consider our paths, the path of the LBS. We have pain, a pretty good motivator. We have willingness. We are open to advice and suggestions. And we do heal and move forward. We do realize we love ourselves and things fall into place. We stop blaming ourselves, we forgive ourselves, all first. Then we are able to do the same for our spouse. Although, I do find we partially start with our spouse first, then ourselves, then complete with our spouse - to be accurate.

Accuracy and willingness. Be accurate. Your mind is always listening, willing to listen, willing to change, and willing to accept. Be accurate and consistent.

...all the anger and pain of it is pinned to projected upon me.

Use projected instead of pinned.

Your usage of “pinned” affects you. You unwittingly accept the blame - you pin it firmly onto yourself.

True, from H’s point of view, he is trying to pin it to you. Trying fails remember. No need to help his failing view along.

See this from your view point. See it accurately. H is projecting upon you. That is what is accurately happening.

Projecting is “trying to pin it upon others”. It is an imagined transfer of ownership. Do not make that real for yourself. Deal with what is real.

I do feel for your questions. The summary of your actions after BD, the doubts, the question - did I do enough? (((Hugs)))

I get it. I gave my W a Christmas gift, and had heartfelt words as well.

The MLCer’s path is for them. We are not part of it. Believe me, I know and empathize with how much you want to be a part of it. That choice is not your’s. Our spouses are dealing with pain and torment from long ago trauma(s) that have nothing to do with us. We didn’t break them, and we certainly cannot fix them.

We must step aside, and let them be. Some leave, like my W. A staggering percentage have affairs, W check. They become terrible parents and friends, oh my batting a 1000 here for W. They need to, and will, run down that path. If we are in the way, we will get mowed down.


You are questioning your love. Did your actions demonstrate love. Did it register for me? Do I love him? Or still love him?

Manipulation. We do not want to manipulate the path of the MLCer. Ever! Make changes for you. Focus on you. Do for you. Love for you.

There are many reasons for this philosophy.

- You are the most important person in this equation. You must be healthy and healed, for you live with you.

- You do not want to manipulate H’s course. You do not want that responsibility. If things go bad you will blame yourself. And by the way, this whole MLC path is a tangled ball of yarn all going bad. Let it go. Leave H’s path to him.

- With you not altering, or trying to, H cannot blame or project as easily upon you. This is good as well. Allows him to look inward.

- And from the above statement, you cannot alter his path really anyhow. He must walk it - fully. If you do happen to truncated it, he will fall back into crisis at a later time, and it will be much worse than now. The MLCer must finish their crisis, all the way to the end. And that has nothing to do with us.

- No one can see all ends. Any manipulation we might be successful at will have unintended consequences.

- You have much better areas to spend your energies.

Maybe what this comes down to is that I want to know, whether he does or not, that I was open, was willing to be vulnerable, to look at myself and make changes (and this is different than feeling like I need to pretzel in order to "win" him back). I do know all of this is true. What I guess I don't know is if I "showed" this as much as I could.

Perfectly normal questions.

Guess who can only really answer them?

Why are you looking to H for affirmation of your love? Or your openness? Or your changes?

Sometimes I think of it this way: post BD, I've only had H's exterior to go on, and if I didn't know any better from reading and this place, I'd think H was living his best life and has no grief whatsoever over the end of our M (I mean, I still struggle with thinking that at times! Thinking of the exchanges I've had with Kindly on this). So does he see me the same way? Does he look at me--almost never crying in front of him since BD, always polite, seemingly confident, doing my own thing--and think the same thing? That the end of our M didn't really affect me? That it was a little sad but then I moved on, see, I really didn't love him that much!

I am glad you know better. Know that H isn’t living the best time of his life and has no grief whatsoever. However, do you believe it?

What about the other side. Him seeing you polite, seemingly little sad, moving on, that I didn’t really love him. That is end of our M didn’t affect me. What do know? What do you believe?

Sometimes I just feel so dull and wooden around him, like I'm going through the motions. Good morning! Merry Christmas! I feel so reserved, so far away, like I am in the middle of a large costumed me, pushing buttons to nod my head or make words come out. I want to be me. I want to be real.

I realize I'm getting sucked into this somewhat pointless hypothetical, as if there was anything I could actually *do* to make him see me differently while he's in this state. Do I need a DB 2x4?

This is not a pointless hypothetical. And there is little you can *do* to make him see you differently.

A loving 2x4:

You are indifferent. You are grieving. You are projecting your numbness and resulting questions upon H as well as asking them of yourself. Focus on you. Do not mind read, guess, project, or assume H’s feelings, desires, beliefs, or path. Do find your’s.

It’s quite normal to feel wooden and working the controls of yourself from afar. Have faith, it is ok. It is along your path of healing and healthy. The numbness doesn’t last. However, while it is around, and the noise of H is muted, make the most of it. Discover you and your beliefs. Strengthen those you like. Alter or discard those you don’t.

Do you see how your questions are much less about H and more about you. Very good. Very healing.

Your questions of the end of your M and the ease of which it passed and how you moved on. “Does he look at me...” is you questioning yourself. By the way, you moved forward not moved on. Use that. Be accurate. Moving forward is healthy.

Did my actions demonstrate love. Did it register for me? Do I love him? Or still love him?

Did I do enough? Did I show enough? Did I do all that I could?

All questions that proceed letting go, and the doubts of doing that. (((Hugs)))

The real question you are finding and asking - Can I, should I, do more?

The numbness, letting go, it’s not the end. It feels like it. However, it is far from the end of things.

Can I do more? Yes. What do you believe? Find those? Are you proud of them?

A belief. A conviction. Something you are willing to die for!

Craft them, alter them, strengthen them. The very noblest ones.

They become something you are willing to live for!!!

I want to be me. I want to be real.

Living pushes back the numbness. You become.

Love yourself. Ask the hard questions of your values and convictions.

Do I like my values? Am I happy with how I’ve lived? The choices I’ve made? The things I hold most dear? Do my beliefs serve me and what I desire? Am I proud of myself?

Do I love me?

Strengthen and alter. Become. Forgive.

H will follow or he won’t.

You live and love your best life.

D