Hi G. Haven’t been on here much this past month but was concerned about how you have been doing. Really happy to hear about your epiphany and your new focus. As others have said...you won’t always feel this way. Interesting that accepting your feelings as being valid and real and OK has led to them having less of an effect on you. When we stop fighting our feelings and we allow ourselves to just feel them, it is often our path to getting through them to move on to something better.
I remember vividly a turning point in dealing with my sitch. I was in my car driving to work. I hadn’t missed a day and was ready to just plaster a smile on my face and get through it again. A song came on the radio and for some reason, it just hit me... the weight of everything that had gone on. The unfairness of it. Feeling like my H had stopped seeing me years ago. Trying to turn myself into someone he would see again and just being really, really tired of putting him and everyone else first. I just dissolved into tears and knew that there was no way I could keep driving to work. So I turned around and headed home. I called in sick and spent the whole day just allowing myself to feel all of those feelings I had been holding inside. I had always prided myself in being a strong person so it felt a bit indulgent but, at the same time, necessary. XH even commented on my strength when I found out about his double life. He walked into our bedroom for our first “talk” and I heard him say, “you are always so strong”. To this day, I’m not sure why he said it but it stuck with me. I think maybe it was my strength that made him feel weak and he just needed to feel strong again. Certainly his current situation lends itself to that theory as he is definitely the “hero” in OW’s world and he seems to be thriving in that role. Anyway...that’s not really relevant to your situation except to say that when I allowed myself to not be the strong one and to feel those feelings, it really was the start of my “recovery” for what is still the most painful and life-altering experience I have ever been through. A weight was lifted from me that day and it sounds as if a weight has been lifted from you as well.
I sincerely hope that 2021 is really, really good to you and your depression becomes just another thing you have triumphed over. Andrew is right. Every day is a good day to sparkle. (((HUGS)))
