Been Dbing for a week or so now, but at this juncture its confusing.
You were warned about your WW keeping you on the back burner. She's played that number as long as I've been reading your posts. Nothing has changed, Steve.
Look, she's discovering that her fantasy about a new life with OM isn't as peachy as she thought it would be. So, like most WW's, she tests you to see how you'd respond if she threw a few words around about having second thoughts.
First of all, where is her remorse? Was she crying and begging for your forgiveness? Did she accept responsibility for ripping the marriage and family apart? Could you detect humility in her? Did she even ask you if you would consider taking her back? Did I miss something? I doubt it. Nothing has changed in her heart. WW's are the most arrogant and self centered people on the planet. She just assumed you'd be thrilled to have her come home. Never thought you wouldn't jump for joy at the suggestion things weren't going as she hoped with OM, and she might think about giving the M another chance. In your heart, you may be happy to hear her say this stuff, but this is absolutely nothing more than her getting a tiny glimpse of her new reality. However, it's not enough to change her mindset. She is a serial cheater, and she's not going to change that mindset just b/c she's having to keep OM's kids. Am I making sense? She was checking you out so she'd have a place to go whenever she gets fed up and wants to leave OM's house.
Let me tell you something about WW's. Until they are brought to their knees, they don't change inwardly. They can put on a performance long enough to get back into the house......but it doesn't last long. She's looking out for # one, and that's all. I'll give you another warning.........WW's like to just pick up in the MR, where things were left, and not rehash stuff about the affair, answer any questions the LBH may have, or give an account, etc. They don't want to discuss it b/c it makes them uncomfortable. Therefore, they want to bypass all that hard work and just start back up as if nothing ever happened. Any LBH that allows his WW to return on her terms, is asking for more heartbreak. I can't tell you how many I've seen LBH's who are so focused on just getting the W back inside the home, they let her come back too easily. When a WW is out of the marital home and has been living with another man, she needs to work really hard to get her H back and restore the MR.
BTW, don't repeat any of this to your WW. It's for your information only. Know what I mean? For example, if you tell her you need to see remorse, she can turn on the tears.......no problem. WW's are good actors.
If she gets to return to you, it should be understood and agreed to be completely on your terms. The betrayed spouse should know what those terms are, and require the wayward spouse to comply. This agreement is to be made before she moves back, not later. You hold the cards, when it comes to her returning. Why? She is the offender in this M, and you are the betrayed. She has to take responsibility for what she's done, and WW's are good about twisting things around to make the LBH feel as if he's the offender. There are many things you need to know before telling her she can come back.
I'll give you the link to a thread where Blue and I listed the things we thought were important when reconciling/piecing. Mine came from the VP of a former WW, and Blue from a LBW. Maybe you'll check it out before jumping into the fire without any instructions.
