You are doing very well with the age appropriate discussions and explanations. And D4 is doing really well expressing herself. Do continue being open and honest with her. And yes, there will be more to this conversation; D4 has more she wants to express. She’s a bright little girl. Of course, I know her Mom, and she’s a pretty bright gal. The apple doesn’t fall from the tree.
Originally Posted by CanBird
Me: "Remember what we talked about earlier, about having alone time? It's okay right? It's something we do and we love each other. I love you, daddy loves you. Does that make sense to you? Do you understand?"
D4: "Yeah, I understand. I love you too"
I very much agree with not throwing Dad under the bus. He is doing that well enough all by himself.
You could add something about Daddy’s lack of matching behaviour for someone who (you say) loves his daughter.
Daddy loves you, but he is having trouble showing it right now. That is a difficult item to bring up - the age appropriate cause/reason/emotional turmoil stuff. However, that is world D4 is living in. “I love and miss Daddy. He should love and miss me too.” And when his actions don’t display that... It’s heartbreaking and D4 will need answers.
The biggest message you demonstrate is that none of this is her fault! A child’s world revolves around them, and they feel that everything that happens within their world is because of them. It’s a hard lesson for us to deliver and a hard lesson for them to learn - They are not responsible for their parents’ problems.
Originally Posted by CanBird
What do you want her to know? His only reply was, "I don't know..." Wow. How does that feel? to just drop everything and RUN away from your child? I'm in shocked that he hasn't reached out to her. I am angry. I am sad for her, but mostly disappointed in the kind of father he is being. Unless he is in the hospital or jail, there no acceptable reason for him not contacting D4. I really hope he has some sense in that head of his to reach, even if he leaves a message.
I do empathize with you.
A MLCer can become a terrible parent.
A little counterintuitive advice for you my friend.
“Unless he is in the hospital or jail, there no acceptable reason for him not contacting D4.”
It’s over three year since BD, and W/Mom threw so much away. The pain, torment, and h3ll of a mid life crisis is an acceptable reason.
It’s your hurt and anger that makes his behaviour unacceptable. The process of grief leads to acceptance and forgiveness. The very “unacceptable and unforgivable reasons” will become forgivable and therefore acceptable. (Really it does happen.) The truth behind all of this: Those reasons and behaviours of our crisis spouse don’t change - we change.
Explain as best you can to your daughter. Live your life. Love her. Find acceptance and forgiveness, and demonstrate/teach D4 how by living it.
It’s a tall order. I know. And one you can well manage. You got time, and you are using it wisely.
Merry Christmas to you and your sweet daughter.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
