Still taking it a day at a time (2)

[may22]

Steve, I think you're right about the defense mechanism. I have been thinking a bit though about what it takes to truly change. For the LBS, the BD can be the catalyst for change-- something big enough that rocks you to your core and allows you to examine your own behavior and beliefs in a way that you normally wouldn't be able to do. For you, being able to drop the defensiveness and realize how you were treating your wife and daughter was in fact abusive is enormous. (BTW, I really admire how you've worked on your R with your daughter-- that is really wonderful.)

For the WS, the conventional wisdom seems to be he/she has to hit rock bottom to have that same impetus to change, the A has to fizzle out and they see for themselves what they've lost, etc.

Ginger, I wonder if in that case, in terms of future behavior and change, it doesn't matter that much if the impetus to change and the realization of what he could lose was triggered by being caught, or came up of his own conscience? It seems like all internal work to me, that might be easier to do if triggered by a major external impact, like a BD for the LBS or for the WS, either hitting rock bottom or realizing in a flash at discovery what they've really put at risk. In my H's case, he confessed at every trickle truth step on his own. I never would have known of her existence if he hadn't told me. I knew he was lying on a couple of business trips and had seen her when he told me he hadn't, but I didn't confront him, just tucked away that knowledge. So he decided of his own free will he didn't want to live a double life anymore (though didn't know which life he wanted to choose)--- but the fact that he drove this himself vs getting caught and being sorry he was caught-- I don't really think he's any more remorseful because he told me on his own. IDK. It's hard to know. It seems like a really personal path that they may or may not walk, and the gravity of their situation-- the WS's equivalent of a BD, though it probably doesn't come all at once like a BD, though the realization of it may-- probably influences the likelihood of them doing the work.

Tom, I have no doubt that my H is not truly contrite. He is absolutely wrestling with guilt over his behavior and trying to figure out how to connect his image of himself as a good person with what he did. But he's not wholly remorseful at the moment. In my book anyway.

I also think none of us really know how we would respond in the moment when things actually happen. I never in a million years would have thought I'd still be here with a cheating H. My h didn't think so either. Maybe it is getting older and seeing things less black and white. Knowing that we are all capable of making grievous mistakes and hurting other people. Being a parent and shifting my primary focus to my children was a big, big part of this for me. But things are never as simple as they seem from the outside, I think.

OG, I know exactly what you mean. If I put myself in their shoes.... dang, that is haaaaard work. My H has said that part of the reason he kept the A going and was so driven to continue the R with her is that he felt like if it turned out it was just a fantasy or he decided to end it and stay with me, that it would have meant that all those decisions he made to start and continue the A were wrong. That he hurt all these people for nothing. That, paradoxically, kept him in the A, even though continuing it was hurting more people and had the potential to impact the kids as well, because if he could convince himself it was meant to be with her, that somehow absolved him of the gravity of his actions. That it was somehow beyond his control. True Love cannot be denied, etc.

He also said that he thought it would be easier to forgive himself if he ended up with AP than if he stayed with me. Just a bit of a window into his tortured head, trying to knit together his understanding of himself as a person given his behavior. He (thought he) had it all figured out in his head for how to handle it if he left.

My H also describes the decision to stay as kind of a flash of understanding, knowing that he was on the very precipice of D and all he had to do was accept the apartment and we were done. And in that moment, knowing every obstacle was out of his way, he realized it wasn't what he wanted after all. (Ugh, even typing this makes the sheer selfishness and entitlement of his behavior grossly obvious to me.) Anyway, now he has the new work to do of figuring out how to reconcile his decision to stay with the fact he had an A in the first place, and for so long. And, like you, it is his work to do, or not. (And we have enough to worry about with our own healing and our kids, anyway!)

In my case, my H is good at compartmentalizing so I know that most of the time, he doesn't feel that shame and guilt from looking at me. We're able to have a good and fun relationship. But when I remember something and my demeanor changes and he realizes why, that is when he gets a wave of shame and guilt and wants to just shut down, rewind a few minutes to where we were. It has taken me time (and still a WIP) to continually work on letting go of any expectations for how he should/will behave in those moments. My healing is on me. I love how you're looking at Christmas this year and am taking inspiration from it. I think this might be my last with the oldest still believing and I want to make the most of it. H made gingerbread cookies last night for the kids to decorate today, all the presents are wrapped, running to whole foods for one last grocery trip and then will settle down to enjoy.

Merry Christmas, everyone! xx