He has great shame over it, but he also handles it but shutting down emotions instead of working through it. We talked about how this is his work, and I cant fix it or do it for him. He will choose to do it or not. Accepting that has give me some relief. Sad relief, but I don't have to feel like such a failure and like there is still something else I can try or do.
So I think this happens for many men ... But their inability to face that shame and work through it and heal makes it almost impossible for a relationship to keep going it seems.
It makes sense to me! And while this is not my situation I know of a number of situations like this. I've been in men's groups for over 20 years and every year we are talking about multiple cases of infidelity that are destroying a marriage.
Michele's DB talks this through, a lot, and the advice is awesome. But from my perspective, the worst thing a guy can do it clam up, go into denial, and not accept his failing. Sometimes the best way to turn him around it to join him at the hip with another man who failed! Just like AA.
He must also be candid about his failings. He can't confess them in secret, anonymously, to a priest in another town.
I have a friend named Larry who did this to his wife. He was in his late 50s, very handsome, a small company CEO, and a magnet to younger women. He had a couple affairs, which were ultimately found out. He was sincerely sorry, he had so much to lose, and among all the things he did, he went public. He shocked our men's group when, at a large meeting, he openly mentioned what he did. He asked all these men who held him in high esteem to keep him accountable. He saved his marriage. Larry and his wife made it through this issue and it's been 20 years. I've never forgotten that speech he made, to a group of 100 men, in public. As he relayed his failings, you could hear a pin drop.
