Somehow it's nearly Christmas. Why, yes, I have been baking, may: ginger spice cookies, (the first batched sandwiched with lemon buttercream), chocolate shortbread with cacao nibs, and shortbread with fig jam—I have one more cookie delivery to make to a neighbor. I wish I could share some with all of you! Future baking projects include something with cranberries (currently leaning toward an upside-down cake) and sticky buns. I turned in grades and have one day left at job #2, and am off from job #3 until January. My vacation days have not been quite as action-packed as DnJ's so far! I bake, I cook, I read, get to winter garden chores I haven't had time to do. This is the rest I've been waiting for, after the craziness of the fall. I was craving bakery-style butter cookies with red and green sprinkles, so I made a half-batch just for me. I eat cookies for breakfast if I want to.
Lots to be grateful for, punctuated with some sadness too. Missing my family. Missing MIL (I did end up mailing her a short note with warm wishes at Thanksgiving, but haven't done anything for Christmas). Missing my old life when I had all this time at home. Missing old H a little.
I found the queen of our aging flock dead, which is something I'd been afraid of, since H had always been the one to deal with this kind of thing in the past. I hesitated for a minute and then called H to let him know she'd died—I found I had no expectations that he would comfort me or react in any particular way. I just felt it right to tell him. I made it through just fine. We only have two chickens left now, though, and it gets dicey, because you can't have just one chicken. Now I'm wondering how your chickens are, bttrfly, and your son, too.
I am grateful H has been mostly gone this week; the house has been quiet. Neither of us has family here, and the thought of spending Christmas week with him was bumming me out.
Originally Posted by DnJ
If you can listen and not take what he says too seriously, and definitely don’t take it personally, you will learn a lot of what is going on within him.
I thought I did pretty well at that, but then found myself struggling with a delayed wave of doubt and guilt a week or so after his "conversation." Could I really have done more after BD to show him I didn't want to lose him, did/do love him? His words got to me--his view that I didn't care enough, didn't love him enough. I know, though, no matter what else I would have done or said, he just wasn't in a place to see/hear/receive/believe any of it. Nor is he in that place now. I checked in on Sage's thread and really identified with her posts and others' responses, especially Gerda's. I realized I'd been spending so much time, once again, focused on H's pain and what I could have done better or different, when I should be focusing on me, acknowledging my pain too. I was spending so much energy on gathering all of this empathy for H that I forgot to have it for myself. This really hit home:
Originally Posted by Gerda
Worse yet, you'll apologize to H that he had to go through the pain of destroying you -- not directly, but by this simmering feeling you have, and which I recognize quite well.
I don't even think I realized this is what was happening until I read this. You'll apologize to H that he had to go through the pain of destroying you... Oof. I think this feeling is at the root of where I tend to find myself stuck--somewhere inside I feel I should apologize and apologize and apologize, even for the decisions H has made and is making. As if somehow I must have justified all of this.
Originally Posted by wooba
One last thing is this - he might view you as a safe place to land, but do you still want to be his safe place?
I've been thinking about this. I want to be a safe place to land, maybe, but for him? For him now? Not on a regular basis. Not when he's still flying with anger and confusion and all the other feelings clouding his view.
Well, I suppose I should get outside before it gets dark and make that last cookie delivery. Happy Holidays to everyone here! I hope you are all finding some joy in this season, and can enjoy a cookie or two, maybe even for breakfast. Kindly, if you're out there--I've been thinking of you lately, and I hope you are taking care. xoxo
