Today is the 3 year anniversary of BD. Wow, I cannot believe it has been 3 years. And I cannot believe how far things have come.
I continue to see some recurring themes on this board. Things like "IHS doesn't work". And "Most people end up D'd." Etc.
The problem is not the situation or the final outcome. It is how well and early you start to DB. I have told many of you that I remembered DBing on 12/26. I spent two days (remember, BD happened late in the day on the 23rd) making the classic mistakes of begging, moping, being sad, etc. I woke up the day after Christmas three years ago and started to research DBing methods again. I had been through another sitch 12 years earlier and that is where I was introduced to MWD. I began to find other experts that espoused similar tactics. Let her go. Drop the rope. Back off and give time and space. Detach. Make positive changes for me. Stop trying to save the MR. Go out and get a life.
So that day (the 26th) I started DBing. It wasn't perfect at first. I slipped up and broke some rules along the way, but with detachment as my #1 goal, about 6 week in I started to not emotionally react to any of the things she did and said. (The % of times I reacted went from greater than 50% to close to 0% 6 weeks in). Inside there was still turmoil, but externally I was becoming a rock! And the benefits were nearly immediate. When I stopped reacting like my world was ending I could see her really having second thoughts about her determination to get a D. Eventually even my insides remained as even as the outside!
So I am proof that IHS can work. I am proof that not everyone ends up D'd. I've also learned through my sitch and others that the earlier you start, and the faster you get proficient at DBing, the better chance of saving your marriage you have! Again, IHS, or physically separated. EA, PA or no A. The circumstances of your sitch are less important than the fact that you need to start DBing as soon as possible, and to work on getting good at it as quickly as possible.
And I cannot emphasize the importance of GAL enough. When I got really good at GAL is when I really started to detach. Anyone struggling reading this, more than likely your struggles are from not GAL well enough! So go out and get busy.
Im glad things are going well for you, Steve. Please do NOT generalize your situation to others. And no, you are not proof that IHS works. You are proof that it worked for you and your sitch. Many posters have suffered in different ways than you. If I recall your W had a few EAs? And they were mostly with men online she gamed with? How can you generalize that to the devastation others have dealt with? She did not have full blown romantic and sexual relationships with other men that lasted a long time. And much, much worse. Please stop comparing yourself to others here because you cannot.
You spend many hours a day posting here and advising others. That is very generous of you! It’s is appreciated by all. It however, does not make you an expert. You talk (type) in a way that seems you are a self proclaimed expert because you have put so much time in. I find this concerning because when people come here they are vulnerable and might trust whatever you tell them. This site goes unregulated because the moderators have a limited role. I honestly believe you need to think more before you make these generalizations, compare others to your sitch and dish out advice. It could be harmful to people that don’t know better.
Blu
Thanks for your perspective, Blu. I understand you feel strongly, and understand why. You make good points to be considerd. Merry Christmas to you and your family!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
