Oceangrl: Update on MR and LRT sitch

[Oceangl]

Update:

Today I had an IC session. It was hard but good. Hard in that there are no easy or happy answers right now regarding my MR. It's just something to work through. I let myself cry and feel. My IC has worked a lot with my H, so he is familiar with how he operates, thinks, handles everything. He leveled with me that my H checked out of the R a long time ago. He has declared we are roommates and he has no feelings for me, no common interests...you know, the standard party line. And he is fine to keep going as roommates until the last kid is out of the nest (about 7 years). My therapist stated that my H won't file because he has this thing about not being the bad guy and can't deal with shame. So if I file he can throw his hands in the air and say...well I was willing to keep going. which of course is bull s$it; but that's the game I find myself in. My therapist basically said that until he is willing to do the work he won't change. He will be unhappy and you will get the blame.

Every day I deal with the fact he has emotionally and mentally checked out. His body is here but he's just gone. He does not allow any connection to happen. There is a wall around him that is high and thick. Sometimes I think I could see it physically if I focused my eyes enough. Two weeks ago we took a small family weekend trip and he was more open to me. He was talking to me and a teeny bit affectionate. Then he shut it all down. It used to really hurt me, now it's just another Tuesday if you know what I mean.

So here I am at Christmas. And I am determined to enjoy it the best I can. I still see so many good things in my life, I have my kids, and good people and family members who love me and see me for who I am. Christmas is not about your life being perfect. It is about having hope and seeing the blessings and good and choosing to see them. In the past few years, each Christmas I was so distracted about what was going in with him or the state of my M, he was my foNo cus and how he felt about me (gag but it's the truth) was how I measured my happiness and well-being. I realize now I don't know how many Christmases I will get, or my children or family or friends. So I am working hard everyday to be present. To see my kids and what's real. My mom has cancer (again), and I want to enjoy this season with her. And that's all I or anyone has. There are no guarantees. If i don't stay present and see the good amazing things in my life, then I will jump back to the reality that this is most likely my last Christmas as an intact family unit. I have to acknowledge that sadness, but I can't stay there. I can't let next Christmas hijack this one.

Like my therapist said, if you met my H you would think he was a really nice guy, charismatic, friendly. But he doesn't have the ability to go deeper right now because he can't let himself. He deals with things just like this father did. His father ran away (by going to work all the time) and his mother was basically catatonic. If we don't break the cycle by working on ourself, we repeat it. I always read about these kind of things, but to experience it....is hard. And sad.

As May said in her thread, it's his work, and I can't do it for him. And so far he's choosing not to. And I can't wait around another five years being emotionally neglected in the minute hope that somehow he will. He has even said crazy stuff to me like "maybe in a few years down the road we will be together again." I was speechless. Cause it's nuts. And I am not here to sit around until you decide I'm worth it and you grace me with your presence.

Although that does show how far I've come because four years ago I would have thought OKAY! Yikes.
Anyway, after the session I let myself have a good cry, get it all out, and then go on with my day. That's all any of us can do right now.