Still taking it a day at a time (2)

[Oceangl]

oh LH, just to add-- those are his good qualities. They do exist. But they don't erase the other stuff-- just how self-centered, entitled, and weak a man needs to be in order to have done what he did. Maybe he was hurting b/c of the SSM and having some sort of mini MLC, which is what he's said to me. And I am actually pretty curious to see how he navigates the path of reconciling his own self-image and identity with that of a person who had a 2 plus year affair.

He isn't the kind of person who likes to admit he's done anything wrong, and the other significant major life events that have happened to him were things that happened to him, not things he caused himself (combat injury and stroke). He's a big believer in post-traumatic growth and truly believes that those experiences, especially the first, changed his life for the better because of how he dealt with them. He has said to me he's not sure he can ever consider the A to be 100 percent wrong because his psyche isn't built that way, he needs to be able to latch onto some positive outcomes from it, and points to these other experiences as examples. I think this one is different because he caused it himself, and because there was collateral damage (me, AP, potentially the children). Again, not my work, but obviously I have a vested interest in understanding how he ends up processing all of this-- if he does-- and if it means on the other side he's capable of being a better partner who doesn't cheat or lie.

I don't want to forget that side too as it is just as much of the truth of who he is as the positive side.

I really understand what you're saying here as I have been observing this with my H as well. I had a good but emotionally hard session with my IC today. He has worked with my H a lot so can give a lot of observations. But he talked about how H just can't reconcile the fact that he was involved in a 2 plus year affair. He has great shame over it, but he also handles it but shutting down emotions instead of working through it. We talked about how this is his work, and I cant fix it or do it for him. He will choose to do it or not. Accepting that has give me some relief. Sad relief, but I don't have to feel like such a failure and like there is still something else I can try or do.

So I think this happens for many men. How many or why, I don't know. But their inability to face that shame and work through it and heal makes it almost impossible for a relationship to keep going it seems. I think this can also be because we - the ones they hurt - represent that shame and baggage every time they look at us. My H wants to see himself as a good man. And a good man in his mind (and in most minds) wouldn't do this. He can't seem to get past it. But just like your H, if there's anything in his life hard that he didn't cause he can handle that and work through it fine. If I have wept in the past due to this, he is a stone and disappears. If i were to cry for any other reason he is there for me. What do you do with all that? I guess that's what we're trying to figure out. You can lead a horse to water (therapy, books, programs, etc) but you can't make them drink. The problem is, it doesn't just affect them. Not sure if this post makes sense to anyone but me!