You stated very well the next stage you are entering - the shift of focus from looking back to looking now and forward. If you notice it’s a shift of your focus; not an absolute band on reflecting. A healthy shift, a needed shift, and an explanation for some of that feeling of being overwhelmed.
Letting go of our clinging to our past, takes time and a willingness to accomplish. You are walking the path. Well done!
This is making peace with our past events, not ignoring them. We focus upon the present and future, while accepting that which has brought us to this place and time.
It was wonderful to read your determined approach to not rehash. It is very encouraging and a good sign when one feels, thinks, and believes, that rehashing is just confusing their path. To me, that is when one is near the shoreline of the muck and bog they’ve been slogging their way through.
Hi D -
This situation has been a long journey so far. I feel like I am making up a lot of it because nothing seems to fit with any of the cookie-cutter descriptors here. It is comforting to realize that I am not alone and that there are aothers out there who are choosing the same path.
From personal experience watching my parents split and them live in hate and anger for over 30 years follow their D, i can assure anyone reading this that living through those emotions and reinforcing them will only serve to make you miserable for the rest of your life. I have seen it first hand and it is quite saddening.
That is not to say that acceptance comes easy ,quickly or without doubts. I deal with my MR past events on a regular basis. It is a choice to change the thinking - to stop the spinning and let the thoughts pass without burrowing into them that will help build acceptance.
Still a work in progress.
Originally Posted by D
Unfortunately, as I’ve mused about often, society doesn’t lean towards forgiveness. News, social media, commercials, politics, laws, everyday interactions all have a judgemental slant. Of course society requires laws and rules and the ability to judge and settle disputes. However, by and large, our default views from almost all angles feds our egos and our need to be right. It’s everywhere, from the games we play on our phone to the news broadcast we listen to on our way to work. We get used to it, and our ego get an appetite that can become voracious.
Sadly, we are taught and believe forgiveness to be rare and hard, or almost impossible to come be. Please listen and realize your views regarding forgiving - change this belief within yourself. Make forgiveness possible. See and imagine how it can happen for you. It is the first and needed step in its creation.
Forgiveness is completely within you to find. There is nothing required from W for you to forgive her. And like most of our path - we are that which is in our way. We block our progress and our finding of forgiveness. Our egos block it.
This is a very important read. New LBS - if you're reading, memorize this. It doesn't mean to be a pushover, or be lax on your boundaries. But it will give you peace of mind that you did the right thing.
Its not easy - but it is the right thing to do.
Originally Posted by D
Do you realize just how much people actually do (unwittingly) want to be angry and resentful? How much we are programmed to believe that way? How most people define their life by their “strong” feelings. Anger, vengeance, grudges and so on feel “strong”. They have a powerful force about them. However, that is a lie. Their strength requires constant reinforcement, after all those are feelings.
You know people family friends and everyone who knows my sit have been surprised that I have not gone down the anger route. They don't know why I am doing what I am doing when I could get back at W or some have even suggested to get revenge by being with someone else (how on earth that would help is mind boggling to me). That i "deserve" to be treated so much better.
To them I say none of us "deserve" anything in this life. people treat us the way we let them treat us. Behaving like someone else just to get back at them seems like the very definition of insanity.
There is another way. I choose that road. Yes others may ridicule or scoff but it just feels like the righth thing to do.
If W leaves, then who am I to stop her from leaving. That is someone's elses choice - that is their life to lead. Me being angry about it won't change it and definitely won't make W want to come back.
Compassion seems like the right way to go and I have a clear conscience because of it.
Originally Posted by D
Forgiveness is freeing. It’s so amazing once you see it, and find your way.
And in my humble opinion, you are doing very well.
D
Thanks D. I have good days and bad. Forgiveness is a process and I'm likely to be learning how to forgive for quite some time.
