Thanks for the honest feedback Steve, I appreciate it.
You are right about moving my personal insecurities out of the MC. It is just that my IC is now “on a break” due to Covid, so I was thinking of using the opportunity. But it probably does not make sense to waste our valuable time in MC on this.
When it comes to your statement that OM is not my issue and that it is hers - I do agree. And if this is something that she doesn’t want to share with me, that’s fine, I can live with that as long as this does not become an ongoing thing while we’re in MC, which is really highly unlikely to happen anyway. But do you think I should not even raise this as a topic in our MC, to at least let the therapist be aware of a potential third-person who could be undermining our work? Or some skeletons in the closet that could be leading my W to a constant doubt? When my W told me that she does not want to talk about that with me, she did express the feeling of the importance, and that she might want to share it with our therapist at least, in an individual session. So I was just thinking of supporting and raising that in the MC. Does that sound reasonable?
And do you think that the part regarding the idea of “sexual fulfillment with someone else” also comes under my own insecurities - or you think it is ok for me to bring this up in our MC and just make both my W and therapist aware that I would not want to consider this as a “solution” at any point and set my boundary there? If that is something my W is hoping for, I really want to be clear what my stance is.
First Benji, I am going to ask you to step away from your sitch a bit. Your mind seems to be racing with what she has said, and trying to decide how to handle MC. The worst thing you can do is dwell on your situation 24/7, obsess about it, and not make sure you are doing healthy activities: GAL, 180s for yourself and being the best you can be, and detachment (self-differentiation). One of my mantras on this board is that a healthy marriage is composed of two healthy self-differentiated individuals. Anything else is a BD waiting to happen.
I would push to get IC restarted, ASAP, even if remotely.
As far as whether to bring a potential OM up in MC, or to bring up her comment on sexual fulfillment in MC, my advice is to let your MC be your guide. You shouldn't be thinking about what to bring up or not bring up between sessions (see obsessing comment above). Concentrate on any homework the MC has given you. But let each session organically develop. The MC will likely have their goal for each session. If the topic naturally comes up then yes mentioning that your W's comment inferring an open marriage bothered you. IN fact, don't word it the way I did, say "When she said that I felt like it referred to an open marriage." But again, let the session just happen, don't go in with a prepared "I am going to mention".
Your insecurities, while justified, will certainly hold you back. Women like a strong, confident, thick-skinned man. I have yet to find a woman that feels like she has to be on eggshells around her H as to not "hurt his feelings". So convey confidence. Convey an air of "I am better than any OM that you could find!" Know your own worth. Don't look for your worth in how other people view you.
Today, get out and do something that gets your mind off of all of this! Sitting and stewing is your worst enemy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
