I know this, intellectually. I think I even know it in my heart. I want so badly to evict her from my head. It is getting better, a lot better, but she still creeps in, sometimes, and I want to look at him and somehow dump all my pain onto him, because he did this, and how could he, to me, etc etc.
May, I will say this, that overcoming those emotions is really admirable. Bravo again.
Musing about this, I would say that if my ex had had an affair in the first couple years of our marriage, I would have burned with anger and jealousy. The thought of her with another man would be devastating. But ... after she walked out in 2019, many people said there must have been either another man or an EA. Even had there been another man, I wouldn't have burned with jealousy or anger. The thought of she and another man naked in a bed meant nothing. I would have willingly taken her back as long as it was over and she was truly contrite, and could prove to me it was a one-time thing.
Why am I mentioning this? Perhaps its because as we get older, we get a little wiser about weakness, about human frailty, about bad decisions and betrayal. Maybe we are more willing to see inside ourselves and wonder how close we had been, at one time or another, from making the same mistakes. I don't know. I have some friends who say their wives are with them "til death do us part" unless they touch another woman -- then the vows are worthless. I just can't be that categorical about it. Life is less black and white, there is a lot of grey. It doesn't mean that you lose your morals or your notions of right or wrong, I think it just means we are more forgiving. And understanding.
Originally Posted by may22
Up until the A he went to mass every single weekend as he had his entire life ... He doesn't have a strong connection to the priest at our church and told me if he does go to confession at some point, it won't be with him. And his father is a deacon and parents are vvv religious (his father has decided that H should take this opportunity to convert me) and as my H is also having a lot of difficulties in his relationship with his father right now, I think the whole issue of religion has gotten tied up in that relationship for him as well. Anyway, it does make me feel a bit sorry for him, that his faith is not something he's able to lean on right now.
A thought here. If he is truly contrite, and wants to change his ways, he should not be ashamed to confess it to his priest. Or to talk about it with the priest outside of confession. Because trying to maintain a level of anonymity means you're not being open about your failure and your intention to not fail like that again. AA works because people are open to others who hold them accountable. Consider whether you ask H, eventually, that for you to take him back he needs to be open with the priest about what he did, and have the priest or another group of men hold him accountable.
