In the new year, if our regular IC doesn't straighten out the insurance situation, I will DEFINITELY find someone new. I actually am feeling it might be healthy to find a different IC anyway. p
In/re the trauma... I definitely agree and my IC says it all the time to me, pointing out the trauma and the trauma response. But, using the word "trauma" really triggers my H, who clearly thinks it is going a bit overboard and what I have experienced/am experiencing is not anything close to PTSD. This bothers me. I feel he is minimizing what he did. His traumatic experiences were quite different (primary being military helicopter crash) and part of me wants him to understand that what happened to me wasn't all that different in terms of how it robbed me of emotional safety and tore up my life-- and wants to continue pushing the word "trauma." The other half of me doesn't really GAF at the moment what he thinks or doesn't think so no skin off my back to stop using the word around him. Thoughts?
I think what he is doing is a typical defense mechanism. I know in my sitch, leading to my W's EA, I had become and insufferable jerk. Isolated, closed off, unavailable. When I was home from work (I worked a lot) and came out of our MBR (I spent most of my waking time in there), it was to criticize, complain, and basically be a complete putz. When my W used the word "abuse" it triggered me. I never touched. Never ever have I laid a finger on her. But looking back I cannot deny I had become emotionally and verbally abusive. My mind wouldn't let me go there. I wasn't that bad. I provided for her, did most of the housework, so what if I was critical and withheld any emotional support from her?
But in the days following BD 2017 I realized that her accusation had merit. I read an anti-D expert online and he said "If you are verbally abusive and withhold emotional support from your W, then stop doing that immediately!" It was eye-opening to me. I can honestly say I am a much better person now 3 years later, a better husband and a better father. But it took me getting over my defensiveness, and getting into IC, to understand that.
Victims of infidelity suffer from PTSD, I have no doubt about that. I've witnessed it first-hand, and I've seen it in posters here. That is why the posters that refuse to get into IC tend to try to find solace in the wrong things. Drinking, drugs (both recreational and prescription). the affection of others, or unattached sex. All of that is a band-aid on a missing limb. So yes, make it a priority in the new year to get into IC and work through your trauma. And make it a requirement for staying with your H that he does the same. (Note, this isn't trying to control him, it is simply making a boundary. "If he isn't in IC by July 1st, then I will go and file for D." Don't tell him what the consequence or timing is, just tell him that in order for this to work he needs to get into IC.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
