Oh, WF, you and Gerda and your wisdom and perfect words right now.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
No mother, no woman can be the ideal version of themselves to all people all of the time and that's a target you also need to walk away from.
You are absolutely right. Aiming for this target is a form of self-abuse that I need to work on. I have tended to serve others' first and myself last, not in a martyr way, but just because it comes easily to me. I have a high threshold to 'doing it all' and thrived on the 'you are a superwoman goddess!' image that all my friends and family hold of me. But it is time to rethink all of this. I need to spend some time exploring where I spend my energy and make sure my own oxygen mask is on before helping anyone else right now.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
You are doing your best to cope right now with your MR crumbling, with having to figure out who you are now and who you'll be on the other side of this. Of an uncertain future. A pandemic. Raising kids as a single mom. None of this is easy alone, much less piled on each other. The fact that you aren't spending 23 hours our of a 24 hour day crumpled up in sobbing ball on the floor with a bottle of wine in one hand and a fist full of kleenex in the other is in and of itself you being a supermom.
Haha! Did you peer in my bedroom window the other night?
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I'm going to tell you one really big secret of being a single mom. Single moms DGAF about having perfectly feed, beautifully dressed, angelic, well groomed and behaved children. We care about having kind, self-reliant, good kids who know they are supported and loved. My daughter grew up with waaaayyy too much screen time. She often ate fruit snacks and had juice boxes. She had McDonald's happy meals. Some times I let her stay up as late as she wanted. Or let her sleep in as long as she wanted even though I knew it was going to throw off her schedule. I locked myself in the bathroom to cry. I ignored her and felt guilty. I took time for myself and missed her horribly. But guess what, she's 18. She's in 5 college level courses in her senior year of high school. She has an academic scholarship to an expensive private school. And all 5' 7.5" inches of her still likes to climb into my barely 5' 4" lap.
You are such a good mama. You should be so proud of yourself. What a gift you are giving me with your experience and knowledge.
Reading this paragraph made me realize I need as much support and coaching on being a single mom as I do on DBing/standing/working on my MR. Maybe even more.
I need to accept that I won't be able to match the level of mothering, house-holding, emotional labor that I was capable of when partnered. I need to drop my own self-expectations to a level I can manage under the current state I am in. That maybe right now, just getting through the day is enough, no matter how we got there.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
We are not here for perfection. We are here to love the sh!t out of our kids and make sure they're ready to be grown ups and make grown up decisions when the time comes. Being a real human person around them. Taking breaks. Letting them eat cookies. Being a mean mommy. Having a headache. Checking out. Letting them know that can't have things because money is tight. All of that. That is showing them what it's like to be human. Complex, imperfect, loving, wonderful human.
Yes. This.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Your children deserve to have reasonable expectations for themselves as adults. Being super mom 24/7 isn't reasonable. If one of your kids' spouses walked out the door and left them with 4 kids, and they were reeling and trying to keep it together and had horrible guilt for letting them eat cookies one day and we're a "mean" parent the next what would you tell them? Would you beat them up the way you are beating yourself up right now? If I know my Sage, the answer to that is a big fat no. My dear, you need to find a place where you allow yourself some grace and forgiveness. You deserve that. And so do your kids.
