It’s been a good break and I realize I probably need more of a break. However, I did have a huge epiphany today I wanted to share. And it was actually thanks to a post on another site. I love that site. I only joined because I could find out what my exercise class was before they happened. Anyways....
A woman posted about how she was going to break up with her boyfriend, because once again she wasn’t being seen. She’s a 43 and says she realized that her boyfriend only loves that she listens to him. That her last few relationships they just like how they feel with her. Love, supported and listened to them. But they really had no clue about who she is, what makes her tick, and none have really cared about who SHE is.
And holy relatable! That has been almost all of my relationships! Men love how I care about them, listen, and put them first. Especially M. I was his sounding bird, I made him feel heard. But what was lacking was him not seeing me. He never listened to me, invalidated me, and I wasn’t important. And any other guy I have dated have just cared about what I do for them and not who I actually am.
And while I shouldn’t be with people like that, the right man will see ME, I do allow that behavior. I make myself insignificant in a relationship. I have got to stop that. And I’m excited to. And I am going to get more time to get to know myself out side of a relationship. And not be afraid to show my weaknesses, my quirks, and my needs in a relationship.
No one has ever put me first, or pointed out what they love or what makes me important or exciting, or beautiful. I grew up in the background always. I’m done with that. I like to think I am genuine, but I’m not. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not, I just fade into the background and don’t put it out there and I focus on the needs of everyone else and what parts of me they would like to see, which is the listener and the woman who just makes you feel good. That is not enough and now I know why I’ve had a few say there is “something missing” there is something HUGE missing. And that’s me. All of me.
Still not ready to date, but I’m excited to work on how to change the tide. To have more confidence to make myself someone important. To show my not so great quirks along with my great ones. To not only define myself by being someone’s emotional support pet. My ability to listen and empathize is something I love about me, but there are so many other parts. And I have to see them so others can see them too.
Anyways. Had to get that out. I finally feel psyched about something .
I had my foot surgery and I’m still in pain, but I’m getting around and doing ok . Work is work, I’m glad to see people again. I absolutely adore my coworkers and the hospital I work at. I should be getting my COVID vaccine within a few weeks and I’m stoked about that. They already began vaccinating last week and there have been no bad reactions. The bad stuff has been some really really sad deaths due to COVID.
I’m still struggling for sure. But I was feeling zero hope. Due to covid, due to pain, due to not being able to figure out why I am so unlucky in love . This realization has given me some hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Or at least strength and a confidence I’ve never had from never being seen by pretty much anyone in my life. Very important to truly see myself. I have known my worth, but I didn’t trust it and I have held it back and felt the only part anyone could ever want is how I give to them. But that not true.
Anyways. Off tomorrow and getting a massage and lunch with my cousin. A little treat. Why not ?
Last edited by job; 12/21/2003:59 PM. Reason: Removed reference name to another site that is not related to DB
