Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

Hi all! wow I had not posted in a while and I find all this support! thanks a lot, it really means a lot to me.
Thanks a lot on the comments about S2 and his heart minor condition, it was a great relief and it made me think about those things that are truly valuable in my life now and how I should be more thankful.

@BenB, The comment I made about her on the phone was just to refer to those memories, I am working now to detach and hopefully be in a place these kind of behaviors dont event bring up ghosts from our past. Thanks a lot for sharing this with me, it is great to know I am not alone on these terrible thoughts.

@LH I am a hard working person and I am used to fight my way through in order to solve problems or achieve my goals, I need to change my thinking and understand this was not my decision and it is not under my control. I was just thinking today about the way maybe when she has been nice, she has found lots of pressure on my side, I am truly sorry for all the mistakes I have made and how they might have contributed to reduce or kill any chance I had to revert this, I hope I can stop any form of pressure / control so that in the long term our interactions change. Working on that as always! I am NC and try to avoid communications even when I think is for the kids or something we should share as parents. I am trying to start to live my life away from her, enjoying my kids when I have them, work and exercise when not.

@R2C thanks a lot for the tips. I remember I answered something along the lines that she could talk to me about anything without expecting inappropriate comments and she let it go. Again more material to think about. Do you have specific information on that tip about when to smile at women? It has really intrigued me!

I have not posted earlier because not much has changed. I continue focused on my PIES, the children and work. I have no interactions with W unless we exchange the kids and when we do I try to leave asap and never start a conversation. I have been busy doing Christmas shopping for the little ones and preparing for the upcoming project at work which will kick off in January.

I had a great weekend with the kids. Friday S2 was meant to get a Christmas costume for school and I got him dressed up as Rudolph, he was looking sweet and spent the day running around the classroom (teacher sent me a bunch of pictures, I told her this is not easy for me and ever since then she has continued to share pics of S2 with me daily, I am very thankful to her). Yesterday it was rainy and they did not want to leave home so we were playing some games and then ordered sushi for dinner. This morning, my sister stayed with them while I was out on the mountain bike with a close friend and then we went out for lunch. S2 is starting to repeat a lot of words in English, which makes me really happy because it is only when he is with me that he is exposed to the language (or my version of it hahaha).

Now today we exchange the kids, W was late as always because she was out, when she arrived at the door of the building where she lives I said goodbye to the kids and was about to leave when she stopped me and this conversation happened:

W: Two things about the kids. About catechism class for S7, when is it?
Me: It is once a month, it was last Tuesday and I took S7 there.
W: And you don't tell me? (here her tone became aggressive) I told you last time I took him and I want to be there and know everything.
Me: I could stop work and take him. I can let you know next time.
W: I want to know everything that happens to my children when they are with you
Me (here I interrupted her): You are talking to me in a disrespectful tone, I am leaving
W: Don't behave like a child!
Me: No, I am behaving like an adult and I will not listen to you if you speak to me like this.
Wife did not change the tone.
I turned around and left towards the car. As I moved away she shouted from the door "You are a son of a b*tch! I want to know everything related to my kids when they are with you" (All of this with both children there next to her)

I got in the car and tried to relax. I got two calls from W as I drove back home. I ignored them, I was full of thoughts that would not allow me to have a productive conversation, thoughts about how I missed S7 6th birthday, how she took the children to Spain while I stayed in Germany trying to digest what had just happened, how all I am to her now is a pay every month so she can live in a nice flat... I arrived home and left for a walk to the city center. I was thinking about my own worth and the respect I have for myself (or the one I should develop). I was listening to the audio I have with all the golden nuggets I have received from this forum and thinking about all the messages Sandi and LH have tried to get into my head, I thought about things getting worse and I imagined myself peaceful and still bearing the urge to be a nice guy to W...

Look, this is not my version, it is as it happened and as you can imagine it did hurt a lot. Sandi has told me on many occasions I try to justify my weakness or refer to lines of the DR book to justify my actions, I wish it was like this. I am truly bad at DB, I guess none of this comes natural to me and I dont know what to do to help myself become a stronger man. At this point, I want this to be over, I want this terrible time of my life to be over and at the same time I know nobody is going to come pick me up, it is entirely up to me. I guess it is a sign I still have work to do on Pack.

About sharing information on the kids. I don't want to use the children as a reason to contact her, but now she comes to me with all these shouts about knowing everything that concerns the kids when they are with me. My thoughts are, look W, I never wanted a D, I never wanted a broken family but if this is how our lives are going to be, a D with shared custody means just that, I will give you no explanations when they are with me as I will not ask for them when they are with you. Am I right in thinking this way? Maybe you can help me understand this better, I have always seen D as missing half the time of my children, I guess this is why these comments from her side make me revengeful, which is not healthy.

Back to surviving day after day and my PIES.
P- Weights, the bike, running, my sexual kung-fu exercises and my new clothes and cologne
I - Still learning at work, planning next year for a promo with my manager
E - Active listening, continue to talk a lot with S7 and grandma and now thinking a lot about my beliefs and self respect (this is now a big part of how I think about the man I want to be, confident, attractive, strong and loving)
S - Praying more, staying positive about a happy future with or without W

Thank you all, I hope I can get a lot of feedback on this last interaction and you all can help me overcome my old thoughts about being able to win W back with hard work and not respecting myself as a man.

I deeply appreciate all your comments, Merry Christmas to everyone in the forum!
((hugs)), Pack