Steve... in your situation, DBing should really be about saving yourself and not your marriage. “Maybe she will come back?” What?!? Why in the world would you EVER want her back? This is NOT love. Love is mutual. Love brings something to your life. It makes you a better person. It lifts you up, it doesn’t tear you down. SAVE YOURSELF!!! SAVE YOUR KIDS!!! LET HER GO!!! Not to get her back... to get YOU back. She is toxic and even though you say you see that, your posts still scream of co-dependency and low self esteem.
Get yourself to an IC and do the work. Leave her in your rear view mirror and focus on fixing yourself - for you and your kids. Given what you have told us about her and your relationship, your kids will have NO chance of having normal, healthy relationships unless you extricate yourself from this unhealthy one and show them what self respect and self love really looks like. They haven’t seen it yet, that’s for sure.
Sorry if this comes across as harsh but geez man!! You really need to change the messages you give yourself. Stop telling yourself you want her but can’t have her because of x,y,z and start telling yourself that you CHOOSE not to want her because you want a better life and relationship than what she could EVER give you. Any time you find yourself thinking “maybe”, remind yourself that your view of your W as a potentially good partner is just a full-blown fantasy created in your mind and not even close to reality. She isn’t. She wasn’t. And she never will be. Just be thankful you didn’t waste any more time on her than you already have and make 2021 a year to remember!! You can do this if you stop being your own worst enemy. There is a way better life and love out there waiting for you. Believe it!! Do the work. I guarantee you that if you do, you will be a completely different person in a year and you will look back and won’t believe you wasted as much time as you did. Good luck and Happy New Year. (((HUGS)))