I’m glad you like the suggested answer. Adding the asking Dad part gives D4 closure and takes the pressure off you (of course you need to actually ask Dad ).
Originally Posted by CanBird
As much as I want to reach out and have a conversation with XH about certain things, I'm afraid he'll just come out swinging with questions about my plans for the house. Guess I could always say that I'd like to address D4 , and just dismiss everything else, for the moment.
(((Hugs)))
Fear.
Let go of it.
XH’s desire and need to fight and create and reinforce his feelings of justification is just that - His need. His feelings. His reinforcement.
Your fear (and reinforcement of your feeling) regarding the pending fight is amplifying your emotions and paralyzing you.
First off, the “pending” fight hasn’t happened. Second, the fight might not even happen - probably won’t happen. You are making it real, pulling a possible future event forward, and creating present day paralyzing and problems for something imagined that hasn’t even happened. Third, there will be no fight. Yes, read that again. There will be no fight.
You control you. Boundaries my dear.
It takes two to fight. If XH starts a fight - walk away. Tell him, in no uncertain term, “Hey! Listen, I’m not fighting with you. D4 is wondering when you are going to be around to see her, and I would like to pass your answer on to her.”
If he balks or returns to fighting over the house (or anything else), reiterate you want an answer for D4 first, then we can discuss the house. And it is discuss not fight. If you fight - I am hanging up.
You do not want to dismiss his concerns. It’s as you stated, just for the moment, until you get a schedule/answer for D4. By the way, the answer may be he doesn’t know when he’ll be around. That’s ok too. Whatever it is - it is.
Regarding a discussion: Set the ground rules for the discussion. We will remain calm and look at various options. We are working towards finding solution or resolution we both feel is workable. We will each consider the ideas and in subsequent meetings finalize the agreement.
Now, I realize that is a mouthful and earful for XH and his muddled mind. (That’s mostly for you anyhow) He probably wants a quick resolution. It’s ok to think on your feet and listen to his ideas. Get him talking and offering and negotiating. A resolution started from an MLCer has a much higher chance of actually been accepted by them since it is their idea, rather than something proposed by the LBS.
Set aside your fears. By a great margin our fearful projections are much worse than what actually happens. And by the way, once it happens, it is no longer some feared possible future event, it is present and become just another concern to deal with. We do not fear that which is right of in front and being dealt with. Fear is always about a future which hasn’t (and usually doesn’t) happened yet.
The house and the necessary conversations regarding it, have many possible outcomes. You want to feel fearless? Pull the house conversation forward and on your terms. It is no longer imagined. The myriad of possibilities collapses into one present situation; the dissolvement of joint ownership of the house asset.
A while back I advised you to seek and learn what you want; rent, own, move, sell, buy out, etc... To not try to live some arrangement you actually don’t want as that cost is far too high. From what you’ve said, you want to stay in the house. And keep the rental and hopefully the renters of course. In short, buy out XH, and keep the properties and houses.
Go to the bank. Talk to the lending institution and lay out your finical picture. Tell them you want to buy out XH and then have sole ownership and mortgage on the house(s). See what needs to be done to accomplish that. You need answers so you can make a plan and strategy to get there.
Perhaps they would be unwilling to lend with your employment still on probation. Maybe. Maybe not. Nothing to fear over. The bank’s view won’t change whether you know about it or not. However, knowledge is power. Your view and possibilities will change; and you can find a suitable financial path. Perhaps the bank will require 6 more months of employment before lending to you. Good, a timeline. Something you and XH can agree upon and move forward with.
I figure from your crunching of numbers, you feel you can handle the mortgage payment. The $118,000 can probably be whittled down to $100,000 as a lump sum. I would figure that could be rolled into the new mortgage as you are going to need to refinance anyhow. So same payment, just extends the mortgage. And do use a lawyer for this disentangling of asset. Once you and XH can agree in principle, get a lawyer to do the paperwork and all the extra legal stuff, and there is plenty XH will need to sign off.
The laws and rights do vary from place to place. My XW had to sign off on the house, her rights to the house under the homesteader act, she had to sign off on the joint accounts and the overdraft that the house’s equity was underwriting, and so on and so on. That legal expertise is one of the best things I’ve ever spent money on - it’s so worth it.
Did you get your Christmas shopping done? For me, I got all the gift delivered and can now put my feet up.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
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