Making the best of the mess.

[97Hope]

Hi Sweet ((((sage)))

Convincing them that the emperor is indeed wearing clothes is only gaslighting them and their understanding of the situation.

Exactly!! They can see/hear more than we ever imagine so this doesn't build trust.

But on the same hand, I don't want to add to their anger towards H.

We aren't responsible for their emotions. We are responsible for being safe, honest and trustworthy.

It is an awfully fine line, isn't it? And your musing on wanting to be on the same team really resonated with me. I too have the 'united front' belief, but I am starting to question if it is my own selfish fear that is keeping me on H's team all the time (there are obvious circumstances where it is appropriate for both of us to be united, but there are far more where I really should let H deal with the consequences of his actions).

My X was drinking and driving. When I tried to talk to him about it he was angry. I ended up having to talk to my son (16 at the time) on his own. Told him "Do NOT get in the car with your dad. This has to come from you".

That was the final straw for me. I realized we were definitely NOT on the same team and I had to be honest and fearless about the consequences of this. Sure there are times when mom & dad can still be on the same time, it just has to be evaluated as to what is true, and what is harmful to them.

Somewhere inside me is a tiny voice that says if I acknowledge that we really are not on the same team, I have to acknowledge that it's over? Were you motivated by 'keeping the peace to maintain the potential of reconciliation'?

Yes. Absolutely. But then I reminded myself and came here and was reminded that my M was already over. I remember how much it hurt when I first heard that, but facing that first reality was freeing.

I was in a very controlling environment and didn't even realize it, so making my own choices was good for me. standing up for myself and my kids was good for me but even better was modeling my own boundaries and encouraging the boys to set them and enforce them.

With younger kids, in our sitch, of course will look a little different, but yes. Their dad needs to face whatever consequences he must. Protecting him is not your job. Not now, and truly not ever IMO.

Do you have a lot of loose ends left (like the cell phone) that could throw you for an emotional loop? I know that there is always something unexpected that could pop up and trigger a feeling, but if you are prepared for it, maybe it won't knock you back at all? (And a short run is my go-to after a cry, I get you sister).

Oh goodness, yess!! But it is so much better!! My X tries to reach out for weird reasons, tells the kids he still loves me and I'm still his "best friend". I've gone dark and only interact when I have to and talk to him like he's the accountant.

Sometimes they just roll off like water/duck's back (another stander shared that with me). It's a process. I've learned that he is on his own journey and me being a buffer was actually hurting more than helping.

Hope this helps xx