Wow, Gerda, I feel so seen. Thank you, darling you, for spending so much time giving me exactly what I needed to hear tonight.
Originally Posted by Gerda
You are living in a totally impossible horrific situation with a person who ripped out your heart, stomped on it while forcing you to watch and then began demanding that you make him feel better for having had to rip and stomp and make you watch. He undermined everything your love and marriage and family and business stood for, and demanded that you understand why he must do that.
This.
This is probably the most validating, accurate thing I have read about my situation, ever. It is like you stepped into my head and gave language to what my muzzled soul was trying to scream at me. You succinctly shared in two sentences what I have been trying to articulate for the past year. Thank you SO much for this nugget of gold. THIS is the foundation of all my boundaries moving forward. Because it is so true. And so, so cruel, when I see it written out like this.
And then you go on to make me feel like a great mom when I needed it! (FOR THE RECORD: I shouted at bedtime tonight, multiple times. I let them play some stupid Christmas game on my computer instead of reading them a bedtime book. I let them graze on cookies for lunch because I couldn't be bothered to cook, or clean up if they cooked. I took a bath instead. I ignored, then shooed my daughter away a few times when I wanted to write my update post. We didn't get outside for exercise at all today; instead I let them have too much screen time. BUT! I finally joined the elf on the shelf game and woke up to squeals of delight this morning-- he was in the Christmas tree and HOW IN THE WORLD did he ever get up there??? They got their screens taken away for fighting with each other and afterwards I found them all knitting(!) in the lounge. They played imaginary vet with some 'patients' from our abundant household menagerie. And they spent hours making some amazing earrings and ornament gifts with polymer clay.) I think I can settle on I am an 'OK mom, with well-adjusted kids'?
Originally Posted by Gerda
-- and then you wonder why you would dread having to be around a man who makes you feel rejected and who makes you question your whole life together and your worth as a woman and a mother and a business partner, you berate yourself for not being detached enough to not enjoy negotiating the practicalities of how to best parent while someone rips your family apart
Sob.
More of my boundaries are being articulated through your clarity here, sweet friend.
I started writing down my needs and what boundaries would protect those needs. I got stuck. I secretly asked the universe for some help navigating this process, it feels vital but I wasn't sure where to start. And you were sent to me!
Originally Posted by Gerda
I try not to get involved with anyone new to these boards because it's so painful to watch others start this process, but sometimes someone comes along and just is so lovely and so likeable and such a beautiful spirit that I do start following along. And you, Sage, are one such beautiful spirit.
(((((Gerda))))))
Originally Posted by Gerda
But I just don't want you to fall into that trap of thinking you have to validate anything. Acceptance is different from validating. One may have to accept the amputation of a limb to avoid gangrene. But that doesn't mean we should start thinking it's a great thing to amputate a limb or that it's not going to hurt like a B for a long long time and make everything we planned for our lives change.
I could have quoted everything you have written, Gerda. It all resonates so much with me in this moment. But the pieces that pertain to my boundaries and the permission to not validate behavior that hurts me or my children are exactly what I have been stewing on for the past few days. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for your post.
Hope! I responded on your thread, thank you for stopping by. I look forward to learning from you.
