Making the best of the mess.

[97Hope]

What I would have done differently:

Something that I have been thinking about is how to use my situation for the good, and I didn't have a crystal ball back when this started, but I have what I know now.

One thing that I would definitely have done is read up on 'triangulation' and not get involved in my son and H's relationships. For the longest time I was a 'buffer' between them (3 sons) and their dad.

This has proven to bite me in the backside as I never allowed them to see their dad for who he is/was. When he left I made excuses for him and I softened it. I continuously told them to offer grace and love without really validating their own feelings of betrayal and hurt.

If I had to do it over again - I wouldn't disparage him, or tell-all....but I would not have interfered. I would have been honest (age appropriate) and not protected him. I would have validated their feelings.

I know now that what I did was trying to stay on the same "team" as my spouse. I always thought "united front in front of the kids" - which, I still believe, but not when you are dealing with adultery, abuse, abandonment or addiction.


I learned a valuable lesson in IC. When the boys come to me with a problem with their dad - I say "your relationship with him is your relationship with dad. our relationship is separate" I'm here for you. I love you and support you in your decisions.

They are all young adults now 19,22,28 - I allow them to talk, for sure, but I just encourage them to navigate their own boundaries and remind them that they have agency. That boundaries are loving and they don't have to pretend that the emperor has a nice coat.