Last night, we took the kids to see Christmas lights as a surprise and got ice cream. We all had a ball.
I had to start here, because you inspired me! The kids asked if we could go look at Christmas lights last night. I was tired, we just got home from a week-long trip, it was getting close to bedtime. Despite my desire to stay home and do an early bedtime, I said yes. We packed up hot cocoa in to-go cups and went for a drive. It was cozy in the car, people have put so much effort into their light displays this year and the best part was that the kids and I had lots and lots of deep conversations about H, our current situation and how they feel and what they need. We came home and no one wanted to get out of the car. It felt like a cocoon of goodness, safety, love, understanding. But I wouldn't have gone if I hadn't of read this post just before we left! So thank you, May! xx
Originally Posted by may22
I told him from the very beginning that this was what I wanted, to feel like we were partners in this moving forward. I said to him yesterday, hey. I feel like we're on the same side on this for the first time, that we're partners. He gave me a strange look and said thanks for getting on board. He said he'd felt like we were partners in this this whole last time around. Not quite sure what to do with that, if it's true or if he's fooling himself. Sitting with this.
This interaction stood out to me as I am learning more about narratives and how we can only control our own narratives. It is always a little shocking when we discover someone (close to us) has such a different view of the same experience. It is not our role to try and change someone's narrative, but just to listen and try to understand it as best we can. And maybe in that quiet-listening we start to better understand past behaviors, actions and conversations a little better.
Does it matter if it's true or not? It's his narrative and his alone.
Your comment here compliments this idea:
Originally Posted by may22
I've been working very hard on focusing on myself, letting go of any illusion of control over things which are not in my lane. Thinking a lot less about what is or is not going on in H's head and redirecting that energy into myself and my kids. I feel this has mostly been a positive exercise for me, though letting go is something I have to keep doing over and over-- it isn't a one-and-done for me. And, I think I also need to watch myself here, to be sure I am not letting my behavior slide from the tranquil focused-on-me detachment it is in my head into a kind of mean, IDGAF-about-you space.
I really loved your update, you can see how far you have come from the beginning of your sitch to today. Hope you're having a great weekend!
