I think there are personality traits (lack of empathy, overly jealous, too beta) that can kill a relationship. I think it's important to identify and work at those.
My biggest failure in my marriage was lack of leadership. My XW is an alpha. To keep peace, I submitted the role to her. Big mistake that I won't make again. Women like my XW will test a man. I failed the test.
Leadership, listening, empathizing - those are the things that I've worked on. Every LBS has their own 180s to make.
I can't help but wonder sometimes if the personality traits that an ex-spouse really really liked when you met don't become the source of her dislike later on.
I said in a previous post that I suspect the source of my bad personality traits will be found in my good ones. For example, I'm accustomed to leadership and have been in leadership roles for decades; I am good at canvassing for facts and, if necessary, making swift decisions. I have been told that people want me at their side during tough times (I have no military experience, by the way). But this leads to a curtness that I'm certain is one thing that my XW got torn up about. For example, she once came to me (years ago) and told me that we could shave ~$50/month in expenses by deleting a few things on the cable bill (a second land line and some sports channels) and by using smaller trash containers. I was busy and distracted and probably had finished a very stressful day, and was very dismissive of this suggestion; I was also making fantastic money. I recall she was very hurt by my reply "honey we don't need to save the money and once in awhile I like those channels"; I recall her walking away with hurt in her eyes. I didn't mean to be cruel or curt; I adored her, I worshiped her character and spirit! But in retrospect, I expect that wound never healed. We certainly never worked it out or discussed it. I never forgot that moment, but I expect there were other times where she tallied more and more hurts like that.
Yes, I hang my head in shame for what I did. Sigh. Some of you might recall a previous comment of mine where I quoted her saying she felt like a piece of furniture. Well, this would be exhibit A for that sentiment.
