Last night, we took the kids to see Christmas lights as a surprise and got ice cream. We all had a ball. It occurred to me at some point that after our last conversation, I see him for the very first time as a partner in this whole process of R. It was surprising to me, as that was one of the things I wanted more than anything in the beginning of all this mess but I never ever felt I had. It was more that we were two lonely individuals grasping our way in maybe the same direction, maybe not. I'm not sure what specifically triggered this shift in my perspective, or how valid it is. But it feels different. We will see.
Honestly in those months after the OW breakup and before H asked to come back into the MBR and told me he loved me that's what it felt. Like two people trying to get a foothold as roommates and co-parents and maybe we were going the same direction, maybe we weren't. And honestly I felt things take a turn after our anniversary. I think I had spent so much time convincing myself that he was going to walk no matter what that I had ignored what was happening until July. But looking back I knew. Things just felt different. He became more reluctant to leave the bed after our weird no strings whoopie. Even the whoopie was different, but how he was around the family just felt all around different. It felt like he was happy with us. That he enjoyed being dad and husband even if he was half in and half out, and that was the first time it really felt like that in a long time. Like he wasn't trying to mentally or physically escape from us. That he wanted to be in this family, and he wanted to be in it with me. And that I really did want to try to be that family again. Not the 3 plus 1 we had been living for a long time.
