My Confusing MLC Navy W

[SteveLW]

reason, I have gone on record here many times telling people that the minute you start to embrace the D, and actually take steps towards it (remember, action, not words), the WAS often backs down from their stance and start to scramble a bit.

I am sure in your W has romanticize a future with OM. More than likely that plan for the future is unrealistic, or has a long runway. IN truth there are many obstacles to her being with the OM full-time and therefore she needs her plan B (you) firmly in place.

So you stood up for yourself. You took a baby-step toward commanding respect. What she heard/saw was her Plan B take one step away from her. And that makes her feel uneasy. We have a saying around here: A monkey doesn't jump from the branch it is on until it identifies another branch that can support it. You started to move the branch she is on so she is wrapping her digits around it tighter.

Be very careful thinking those tears are remorse for what she has done/been doing. I watched my W go through the end of both of her EAs, and in both cases she had to go through a grieving process at the loss of the OM. It is one of the most difficult things to see, your W mourning the loss of another man. The smiling at you, deep conversations, complimenting you, is her tightening those digits around her branch.

Be careful nudging for counseling. That is pressure and pursuit. Your W right now is like a cat. Not sure if you have experience with cats, but if you reach out to the cat it will go the other way. If you pick the cat up and put it on your lap, it will immediately jump down. But if you sit quietly and let it come to you, then you can pet and hold it because it was the cat's idea.

You need to be the lighthouse. You are solid. You are a rock. You are always in the same place. If she wants to come towards you she will. But it has to be her decision. Anything you try to force will cause her to retreat. Read the distance-pursuit dynamic thread, it explains this whole thing.

The best thing you can do is to keep DBing. Focus on you. GAL, 180s and work on detachment. (Google: self-differentiation in marriage as to what this looks like).